Think the March Hare and the Mad Hatter

Sorry for the lack of posts/comments... absolutely freaked out on Wednesday and had to go home. Saw my doc on Thursday and I'm apparently bipolar. WHOA THIS IS NOT OK!!!! And the best part is that he gave me a prescription for Xanax and sent me on my way! What a fucking asshole! I'm seeing a counselor on campus on Monday so hopefully she can tell me what I can do to get this mess under control.


I was told a long time ago that I was borderline bipolar but it was too early for them to actually make a diagnosis. Well now I have that diagnosis and I've been battling the last few days with the fact that I'm crazy. Not completely batshit crazy, just an emotional disaster. I guess I already knew that but it still sucks to know that it's never gonna get better or go away. It wasn't just teenage weirdness, I actually have a problem.

Rant (feel free the skip this part):

WHY CAN'T I BE A FUCKING NORMAL PERSON LIKE EVERYONE ELSE? WHY DOES MY METABOLISM HAVE TO RUN SO SLOWLY IT'S ACTUALLY GOING BACKWARDS? WHY DOESN'T MY BRAIN FUNCTION CORRECTLY? WHY AM I SO OBSESSIVE ABOUT THIS BOY? WHY CAN'T I GET MY FUCKING LAZY ASS TO WORK OUT EVERY DAY? WHY DO I HAVE ARTHRITIS IN MY KNEES AT THE AGE OF 21? WHY DO I ONLY HAVE $200 TO MY NAME? WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP AND HOW DID THIS HAPPEN????

I'm really scared that I won't be able to graduate in May... My professors are all pissed that I've been missing so much class and I have so much work to make up... And I'm gonna keep right on missing classes until I can get my meds figured out because when I'm depressed it's a gargantuan effort to get out of bed and when I'm manic I just don't care about the consequences.

AND I FUCKING BAKED A CAKE TODAY! Why would I do that to myself? Now there's an entire cake in the house (white with cream cheese frosting... fml) and I simply cannot NOT eat it. Tomorrow I go back to my apartment and I can restrict to my heart's content. Wether I actually do or not remains to be determined.

Comments would be lovely <3

down 2.6 pounds in 2 days? yes please!

List-cap

1. daily calories: 715. YES!
2. how do you get a shin splint in one leg and not the other? (= no run today)
3. flirted with andrew for a solid 3 hours in lab
4. i'm super lonely.

Something in my apartment smells like it's been dead for a few months...

Dearest Phillip,
Why can't you see that I'm the one? Why is it so hard for you to figure out what love is? I can tell by the way you look at me that you feel something, but you're either in denial or simply incapable of expressing emotion. Three words; not that difficult. Figure it out please, ASAP.


Andrew,
Do you have a girlfriend? I didn't think so. What the fuck are you waiting for? Kiss me damnit. Come home and take a nap with me. My bed is entirely too big to sleep in alone. I'm madly in love with someone else, but we're "seeing other people" at the moment. And you're fucking adorable. The end.


what a mess. at least i ate well today :)

Post number three today

Holy mood swings batman!

Went from content to happy to hyper/giddy to bored to utterly depressed to lonely as fuck to angry to motivated and back to content in less than 18 hours. Whoa nelly.

Did manage to get my ass out the door and go running (during the angry/motivated phase). Made it about a mile (run 3 minutes, walk for 2) before my legs felt like jelly and my lungs ached. Decent considering I haven't exercised in any form at all for about a month. Gotta start somewhere. My goal is to run 5 days a week.

Day 1, check.

The utter depression was triggered by a mini fruit snack binge, which was triggered by nausea/dizziness from taking diet pills on an empty stomach. Before the dizziness, I was doing fantastic on calories today. Mental note for tomorrow: have a granola bar with the diet pills.

Tomorrow's goals:
1. get up at 930 and run at least 1 mile
2. have a shake for breakfast
3. be productive (go to lab, get work done)
4. talk to Andrew <-- eek!
5. have coffee for lunch, and a kashi bar if necessary
6. tuna and crackers for dinner
7. apple as a snack (if necessary)

Who is Andrew you ask? Andrew is my lab partner and he's possibly the most adorable boy on the planet. He's 3 years younger than me (questionable, I know) and about 18 inches taller than me. He's fun to flirt with and he's really very cute. While Phil is off perusing other girls, I may as well have someone to keep me company. We've been flirting for a solid month and I'm sick of nothing happening (hence the talk planned for tomorrow).  We're pretty different so I highly doubt it would ever go anywhere, but he really is cute ;)

Wanna run with me? I'm following (sorta) a couch-to-5k program: 3 miles in 6 weeks!

Clean Slate. Complete Honesty. Pain.

I'm starting this blog over. It has become all about Ed when it should be all about my life.

 First things first:

I have this idea in my head that if I can look like this by the time I see Phil again, he will magically fall in love with me (again?). I'm absolutely head over heels for this boy. I mean I think he might be the one. He told me he loved me over the summer, but he was drunk and he's never said it before or since. He's 1000 miles away at the moment, and will remain so until Thanksgiving. I'm literally going crazy sitting around and waiting for him. Because here's the kicker: he hasn't had any other serious girlfriends, and he's the kind of guy that needs to make ABSOLUTELY sure he's making the right decisions. He wants to see other people before committing to anything. Which is great. I actually approve (No really, I'm not being sarcastic). I think he needs to find out what he wants, and doesn't want. Of course, I also want him to decide those other girls aren't good enough and come back to me. We're not dating at the moment (so he's free to figure things out) but that doesn't mean my feelings have changed. If he proposed to me today, I'd say yes in a heartbeat. He is everything I want and need. I love you, Phil.

Now that that's out of the way...

I'm currently eating rosemary chicken and potatoes. Fuck me. I'm not hungry and it doesn't taste that good. And I sure as hell don't need it. So why can't I stop eating it??? I think I might actually need help. My relationship with food is so fucked up. I want to hate food, I want to hate eating. But I don't. And I don't enjoy it either. I have no control over what goes in my stomach. It's a really terrible feeling.

Almost as bad as not being good enough for the man you love.

are we sensing a pattern?

several years ago i was told that i "might be bipolar" but nothing was ever done about it. they gave me a happy pill and sent me on my way. which was fine with me. who wants to be bipolar?

in the last few months i've come to notice several alarming patterns... i get all happy and energetic and motivated for about a month (and eat like a healthy sane person), then out of the blue i crash into a deep depression, binge for a day or 2, then start starving again.

this weekend was my cycle-start binge, and today is my first day of starving. again. wanna know what i weighed 3 weeks ago? 128. wanna know what i weighed this morning? 136.2. HORRENDOUS AND DISGUSTING AND EVIL. i want to flatten myself under a rock and stay there until i can safely emerge weighing 115 pounds.

my emotional disorders (whatever they are) have evolved.
i no longer get suicidal when i crash. i don't want to die; i'm not afraid to die, but i still have things to do.
my crashes are getting shorter but more severe.
my highs are getting longer but less manic.

i don't know what all of this means as far as getting skinny. when i'm happy, i'm comfortable with myself and don't feel the need to lose weight (i mean of course i still want to, but i can't make myself stick to a diet). when i crash, it's all i can think about. FAT FAT FAT. NOBODY WANTS YOU. HOW COULD ANYONE EVER BE ATTRACTED TO YOUR CELLLULITE?!

so far today i've had a right-size weight loss shake (200 cals) and a cup of coffee (with splenda). and 4 diet pills. those shakes are pretty cool: blend up this chocolate powder with a glass of skim milk and it makes you feel full for HOURS. and it's got caffiene and vitamins and shit in it. i think i'll have another one for dinner.

i've been fidgeting like whoa today. read somewhere that just twitching your leg can burn 300 calories in a day. not sure if it's true, but it makes sense that moving will burn more calories than sitting still. also trying to stand as much as possible and sit up straight.

more later