everybody everybody wants to love... everybody everybody wants to be loved...

Ok I'm sick of Skins. Cassie is an annoying twerp.

But I didn't eat anything all day long. Except 1 celery stalk at dinner, but it takes more energy to digest celery than it provides, so it doesn't even count really.

It scares me how fast I'm falling for P. I don't want end up in the same pattern that happened before with D, where I fell hard and fast for him and he changed his mind. We're taking our time and talking it out from every angle before we make any decisions. But at the end of the day, I love him and he doesn't know how he feels...

Comments!
Ana Banana: yes that's exactly it, I want to be my best for him. And congrats on the french fry resistance!
Scarlet: I'm back with a vengeance! haha We can do it!
JENNY: thank you so much love! I can't believe that I inspire someone!
Charr: thank you for lookin out for me! Goodness knows I should do it more :z But I would trust P with my life and I know he's not a jerk. He just likes pretty girls... don't we all?

I love you all- the support means a ton

<3

Hazy

This must be what it's like when your body starts eating itself. I'm running on nothing but caffeine. I'm cold and tired but it's like a weird high that I'm riding... I love being hungry. I love that my body is fueling itself. I love that I'm burning fat by just sitting here.

I've had 20 calories today, and it's all been Crystal Light. I'll have to eat dinner, but I'm hoping they'll have good soup today. I can fake stress-induced nausea since it's so close to finals.

Discovered the wonder that is Skins last night. I can relate to so many of the season 1 cast it's ridiculous. I'm PMSing so I was reduced to tears several times by watching a bunch of teenagers trot around Bristol living bits and pieces of my life. I watched the entire season. (slightly shameful, but I'm not ashamed. It gave me the strength for today's fast)

I was 132 this morning. And here's why: I ate an entire pizza yesterday.

Did you get that? I ate a whole fucking pizza by myself IN ONE SITTING. And then I couldn't even purge it. And then I cried.

Today's fast was supposed to be punishment (I'm trying not to eat (and abuse my diet pills)until the wedding on Saturday) but I feel so guilty because I'm loving this feeling.

But I am loving this feeling. I think I'm going to boycott food altogether.

Like Cassie.

"Oh, and also, I'm wretchedly in love with you"

Lots of things on my mind today. Not a lot of things, I suppose, but a few things that are taking up most of my concentration.

1. Liquid fast ended well yesterday. Had veggie soup for dinner, and I'm counting that as a liquid because veggies don't count for anything. So approx 550 calories for the day. Success.

2. Weighed in this morning at 130.8! 128 by Saturday is looking more and more plausible.

3. Liquid fast day 2 never even started. I had 2 eggs for breakfast and a protein bar for lunch. I'm not too upset about it though, since today's total so far is still only 330. It's probably better for my metabolism anyway, keep it from thinking it's starving. I'm going to jazzercise tonight, so I'll probably have a normal amount of calories for dinner so I don't pass out

4. I can't get P out of my head. Literally impossible. Every dream I had last night was about him, and I've been thinking about him all day. I'm absolutely head over heels for this boy, and a week ago I didn't even realize that I was in love with him...

5. I had another loooong talk with P last night about us. He said if I could stop being such a debbie downer, and get back to how fit I was in high school, that would be his "ideal". He thinks I could be ideal. That of course means that I'm not currently ideal, but of course I already knew that. And the things he wants are the things I'm already working towards.

6. My new goal is 122 by May 12th (When P gets home). If he can see how much weight I've lost, he'll know I can change. So: skinny and optimistic by May 12th! I lost 3 pounds last week with very minimal self control, so I'm confident.

7. Look at the abundance of followers!!!!
-Transparent Beauty: Welcome welcome my dear!
-Scarlet: sorry I fell off the liquid fast train! I'll get back on tomorrow, promise! Are you holding up well?
-Charr: my trick to liquid fasting is lots of protein (skim milk, soymilk and the occasional protein shake) otherwise I just get ravenous and eat everything in sight!

insert creative title here

Followers I've been neglecting you! I apologize profusely.

Life has been so riddled with drama these past few days that I couldn't even handle it. I stayed up all night to get my paper done, but successfully avoided eating by keeping a protein shake close at hand. My liquid fast started at midnight since I haven't slept, and I've had 470 calories since then (protein shake an a veggie/fruit juicebox). I'm hungry again and I love it.

132.4 this morning. I lost 2.6 pounds last week, even with my fettuccine alfredo binge on Wednesday AND my shameful drunken eat-everything-in-sight binge on Saturday, so maybe the laxis worked better than I thought. I absolutely need to get to 125 by May 12th, and hopefully 128 by May 1st. Yes I know that's 4.4 pounds by Saturday. But I'm going to a close friend's wedding and pictures will be taken... NO ROOM FOR BINGING! This week should be considerably less stressful, so hopefully I can stick to the plan, and workout a few extra times.

Anyone liquid fasting this week with me?

Comments as promised!
-Charr: Thank you for the birthday wishes and the continued support! It matters so much that someone actually listens to me sometimes :)
-Charlie: I KNOW there are 3 billion men in the world, but I want this one! haha Isn't that always the case?
-JENNY: I can't even fathom how someone could be jealous of me, it's very flattering, so thank you :)
-thin1: Welcome and thanks for following me!!

Venting

I'm trying to write a paper that's due tomorrow and I can't even think straight because I have so much going on in my head. So this is my attempt to get it all out and organized in some form or another so I can stop thinking about it for a while.

1. I had a long chat with P today about the meaning of my drunk text. I could have, and maybe should have, played it off like "oh I tell everyone I love them when I'm drunk, don't worry about it, it didn't mean anything". But I didn't. I told him that I meant it and I want a relationship with him and that I crave commitment from him. I even told him that I have this recurring dream about us getting married and having kids and living happily ever after. I think I subconsciously wanted to scare him away, because I was pretty sure he was going to reject me and I didn't want it to be because he doesn't like me. So apparently I would rather he think I was crazy than have him tell me he just doesn't like me that way. Awesome. Maybe I am crazy.

2. I proceeded to tell D about the conversation I had with P. Have I mentioned D before? He is my ex boyfriend: we dated for 2.5 years, then he left me because he didn't love me anymore. I was absolutely devastated because I was 100% sure we were getting married. It's been 2 years since we broke up and we're still really close. I'll post the full story some other time. So anyway, I told D about P, then told P what D said. P flipped a shit. D doesn't approve of me and P and P was NOT happy about it. Oops. Just when I'm trying to convince him that dating me is a good idea, I piss him off. Good plan, idiot.

3. I really do love P and I can't stop thinking about it. That picture of us at some unknown future date walking in the park swinging 2 kids in between us is forever burned into my brain and it won't go away. Fairy tales don't come true, red, stop obsessing.

4. I've been so bad today. I wrote breakfast off because I needed food in my stomach to ease the hangover. But I did NOT need 2 pancakes with syrup, hash browns, orange juice and a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The cereal alone would have sufficed. Then I had some celery with peanut butter around 3, and for dinner I ate 2 pieces of pizza and a ham and cheese sandwich with pickles. Oh and a banana. THEN I had a floor meeting tonight and donuts were provided... obvs that happened. Worse things have happened than one glazed donut, but on top of the day I've had it was kind of miserable.

5. I'm liquid fasting tomorrow (and for as much of the week as possible), who wants to join me?!

6. I REALLY don't want to write this paper and it's dragging me down into a pit of depression. Honestly it's only one paper (even if it is 15 pages) and I shouldn't be reacting like this. Just write it and get it over with, no need to make it more miserable than it already is.

7. Someone please tell me I'm not as crazy as I feel right now...

all aboard the tragedy train

i just turned 21 and my roommate decided it was necessary to go bar hopping last night. i was so tired i didn't even want to go, but we pre-gamed hard so i lost all argumentative skills :/

as soon as i get a drop of alcohol in me, i start binging. last night i ate:
1 personal cheese pizza
1 medium cake batter ice cream from coldstone
1 pineapple fruit cup
1 rice bowl thing
23 runts
6 triscuts
1 little bag of bbq potato chips
2 hot dogs (with bun and grilled mozzarella)
1 bag of kettle korn


holy fucking shit. i lost 4 pounds this week and i ate it all back last night. i'm terrified to go get on the scale. granted, having food in my stomach is probably what saved me from the massive hangover i was sure was coming but didn't. but i almost wish i was nauseous so i could throw up all that SHIT.

on a different note, i drunk texted P last night and told him i loved him. fml.

FML

oh and by the way, i adore you.

had half a protein bar this morning, the other half for lunch. 180 total calories. yessssss :)
also weighed in this morning... 131.4!!!! i'm down 3.6 pounds in 5 days. that alone is giving me so much strength to continue. i can do it!

and it's friday.

and i have 2 followers! i love you guys!

i'm in a good mood, and it feels so bizzare

dear diary...

please feel free to skip over this post completely as it will be nothing but me venting, ranting, and trying to figure out what to do about P. i promise i will not be offended if you ignore me completely, just this once ;)


we had a great conversation tonight. we try to be as straightforward with each other as possible; even though it can be harsh sometimes, it's easier and reduces drama. he told me (after some prodding) that he is in fact attracted to me, and that he wouldn't have fooled around with me in the first place if he wasn't.

P: "what, you thought i just did what i did for shits and giggles? did you really think there was no physical attraction at all? i wouldn't have done the things i did if i wasn't attracted to you."
me: "yes i really did think that"
P: "honestly, there are some things i'd hope you would change, but that's up to you"
me: "everything?"
P: "no of course not. haven't we been over this?"
me: "no i don't think we have"

so we went over it. he thinks i have a nice ass and he likes my hair AND he is "perfectly content" when i'm in his arms. but he loves me the way he thinks he should feel about his family but doesn't (convoluted, isn't it?) he doesn't know what love is, so he doesn't say it. the only 2 things keeping him from wanting a "real" relationship with me are my overall pessimism and me being a fat lazy ass (no he didn't actually say it that meanly).

he's attracted to me. i believe him when he says that he is, but i don't understand it. and he really and truly cares about me. very straightforward. so why is it so damn complicated?

i would do anything in the world for this boy, and it's making me question some of my fundamental values. do i really want to be thin and pretty and active and optimistic, or do i want to be what he wants? seems obvious, of course i want those things. i want them for me, i want to be happy. is it fate that that is what he wants, too? or am i so desperate that i'll change everything about me for a boy. better yet, do my motivations matter, in the end? isn't it better to be happy, no matter the reason?

yes. i think so. so i'll keep at it, and maybe he'll come to his senses. maybe.

to answer my own question...

so now what do i do?

i starve.

because maybe if P can see a pretty, skinny version of me, then he can see that i'm everything else he is looking for, too.

thin = happy, and P wants both of those things.

I want both of those things. desperately.

liquid fasting again today, and so far so good. i've been awake for 11 hours and i've had a little bit of protein shake and half of a soy milk: 250 calories. and 4 diet pills (i swear i only take them for the caffeine since i don't like coffee).

i love this feeling. i'm hungry, but i'm not giving in. i'm winning. for once in my life i'm finally winning the battle between me and my (lack of) self control.


update:

fruit snacks and a milky way ruined my day. 740 total intake but i gave in to the sugar. damnit.

time to step back for perspective.
i'm down 18 pounds from august. 18 pounds on a 5 foot frame is significant, right? not really... i'm a little bit less fat, but still fat. ugh.

hurray for charlie- my first follower and commenter!!! thank you for the support my dear, it means a lot

<3

so there's this boy...

i had a horrible food day and i don't even want to acknowledge what i ate so i'm skipping over that part of today's post.

so there's this boy...

he's kind of the reason for my existence. i realized very early this morning that i can't pretend i'm not in love with him anymore, because i most definitely am in love with him. he's my best friend in the whole world, we've been friends for years, and i'm like 60% sure he doesn't feel the same way.

he says things like "i like you unconditionally, always remember that" and "i care about you more than i care about my family" which in my book equates to love, just not the romantic kind. but he has never said "the L word" in my presence.

his name is P, and he is not exactly what i pictured for myself. he's tall and very skinny (he's a distance runner...) short sandy hair, amazing gray-blue eyes, and the softest skin. he doesn't wear cologne or anything, but he smells amazing all the time. he is perpetually happy (an optimist) and kind of reminds me of a golden retriever. he cracks awful jokes at every opportunity, and he has an uncanny ability to make me happy. truly happy.

i love him and i never saw it coming.

he's a military man. he's in AFROTC at the moment and he's commissioning in the fall. he will be moving around the country for 18 months while he trains to be a pilot, then moving every 3 years for the rest of his career. And he'll probably be deployed for 18+ months on more than one occasion. that's not what i want in a husband or a father to my children.
BUT
he will be making enough money to support a family, so i would be able to stay home and raise the kids, which is what i want. family is the most important thing, and we agree on that. we agree on everything about our hypothetical future life together.

but he doesn't want me.

he's kind of shallow: he likes tall skinny pretty girls, and i'm short chubby and ugly. how could he ever be attracted to me? we've fooled around, but i'm always extremely self-conscious about it because i know that he is not attracted to me.

he's coming home in 3 weeks. i haven't seen him since january.

i woke up this morning half expecting him to be in my bed, asleep flat on his stomach with one arm around me and a pillow over his head. it's adorable the way he sleeps. :) i actually hit snooze and went back to sleep just so i could see if he would be there when i woke up again. he wasn't. of course he wasn't. he's 1000 miles away, and i haven't woken up next to him in months.

of course i'm in love with him. how could i not see it?

so now what do i do?

myself

i've seen this on many blogs and decided it would be good for you guys to get to know me

Size: 6
Age: 21
Height: 5'2"
Highest Weight: 145 lbs
Lowest Weight: 128 lbs
Current Weight: 136
Goal Weight: 118

Favorite Diet Food?
Apple slices

Favorite Binge Food?
chocolate, fruit snacks

Favorite Exercise?
jazzercise!

Thinspiration?
my skin-and-bones best friend/boyfriendish

What Makes You Slip Up?
anxiety attacks induce binges without fail

What Makes You Strong?
watching the numbers on the scale go down

When Did It Start?
i've been dieting my whole life, but just recently it's gotten a little out of hand

Does Anyone Know?
hell no.

Do You Want Help?
i want to be happy, but i want to get there by myself.

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
i'm trying for 600, but rarely achieve that.

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
a fat ass with pale blotchy skin a huge gut and lumpy thighs. i like my hair though...

Are You In A Relationship?
kind of. i'm fooling around with my best friend, but there's no commitment... yet.

Is It For Attention?
no, i don't want anyone to notice. i want to be skinny and pretty.

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
i'm in the middle, but i'm a whale compared to T and P

Are You Depressed?
yes. i'm on meds. some days they work and some days they don't.

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
yes. first when i was 13 then again at 15 (twice) 17 and 18. not for years though.

Ever Been To A Psychologist?
once every 9 weeks.

Are You On Any Medication?
celexa

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[x] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[ ] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[ ] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegetarian (i plan to be when i live on my own)

PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[ ] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[ ] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[ ] have tried to stop me

I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
[x] I had a boy/girlfriend (wish i had that commitment that i'm craving)
[ ] I could disappear


I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[ ] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

I HATE -
[x] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[x] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[x] fat people

I NEED -
[x] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[x] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] less bingeing
[x] more water
[ ] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[ ] to lose 10 lbs

The good, the bad, and the ugly

The good: I weighed in at 131.6 this morning... I'm down 3.4 pounds from yesterday!!!
The good: Day 2 of the liquid fast has begun and I feel pretty good.
The good: I'm going to Jazzercise again today- 400 calories burned in one hour!

The bad: I have a headache that's on the verge of becoming a migraine, so I'm stuck in bed until it my meds kick in.
The bad: I missed a huge exam this morning that I'll have to make up tomorrow.
The bad: I don't think I'll be able to skip dinner tonight with my roomates, so the liquid fast may come to an early end.

The ugly: My stomach. My love handles are all stretch-marked and fat and I look like I have a beer belly. My torso is just too short for me to be this fat
The ugly: My thighs. I have this pocket of fat on my inner thighs and it's so awful. The back of my thighs are absolutely covered in cellulite and I'm so pale that it draws your attention like a neon sign: shorts are off limits until I hit 125.

Goal number 1: I'll never have a flat stomach but I would like to not look like I'm pregnant.
Goal number 2: I want to stand with my feet together and not have my thighs touching.
Goal number 3: I want my hipbones and shoulder blade to stick out- that's where the neon sign should be.

I'll update later

LATER
"hate is a strong word, but i really really really don't like you"
i hate myself right now. HATE.
my liquid fast lasted until dinner when i gladly ate that damned chicken chow mein.
i wasn't even hungry all day.
yesterday's fast completely stopped my metabolism, so eating dinner today was necessary anyway: hey body, hello, it's your owner. start working again please.

then came the binge.
i wasn't even hungry, i just wanted to eat.
and eat i did.
3 servings of pretzels, a hershey bar, 4 reese's cups, apples and peanut butter, and a milky way caramel. with dinner, it was a 1650 calorie binge.
unacceptable.

then came the purge.
i threw up once and took 3 laxatives.

then came this intense hatred of myself.
why did i binge in the first place?
why why WHY?
P is coming home in 3 weeks and i need to be under 125 by then. i'll never make it at this rate.
WHY?
tomorrow is my birthday and my parents are coming to take me to dinner. they will buy me a drink and dessert. maybe i can get away with having a salad.
regardless, tomorrow will be a waste.
so i needed to be good today.
i felt sooooo good yesterday when i didn't eat.
wtf?

and, to top it all off, i have a 5 page draft due at 4 tomorrow that i haven't started... i think i'm just going to take some sleeping pills and ptfo. i'll get up early tomorrow to do the paper. hopefully i'll be in a better mood...

it's a beautiful day...

i'm actually feeling good today. had a soymilk this morning, partly to make my metabolism think i was going to feed it today, and partly to get rid of that handful-of-pills-on-an-empty-stomach nausea. had to fudge on my liquid fast a little bit at lunch since i was eating with friends, but it was only soup, and i didn't eat it all. it's 1:30 and i've only had 300 calories. i'll skip dinner to go to jazzercise and maybe have another soymilk to keep me going. i took 2 slimquick pills this morning and 2 more at lunch. i'm not expecting them to work as "diet pills" but i'm loving the caffeine sans calories. i've only had 40-some ounces of water today so far: not nearly enough, especially because that soup was probably choc-full of salt.

i should find out this week if i got that internship at the national weather service for the summer- the anxiety is killing me. at this point i don't even care if i get it or not, i just want to know one way or the other! the government can be so pokey... if i might have to move across the country in 3 weeks, i'd like to know ASAP...

i'll update later

UPDATE
today's liquid fast was a resounding success (except for the soup). I had about 1/3 cup of chocolate milk before jazzercise and a small apple juice around 10. 530 total calories and 400 burned at jazzercise. ladies, if you want an efficient workout jazzercise is what's up- it's intense cardio and muscle toning all at the same time. i was able to avoid the blood sugar crashes today by not letting my blood sugar raise in the first place. no crash, just hunger. bliss. i'm down 1.6 pounds from this morning, hopefully i can loose that extra 0.4 overnight. i NEED to lose 15 pounds by may 12th. i'm currently 133.4 pounds. fat fat fat. healthy for my height is 118. ugggggggggh. but today was a success and hopefully i can continue tomorrow.

What a disaster

today was a fucking joke. i made waffles this morning to appease my parents... i was planning to purge after breakfast so i ate as much as i could; 3 belgian waffles, butter, syrup, and a glass of orange juice. Probably 700 calories at BREAKFAST. i thoroughly enjoyed the first waffle, but the second and third were just painful. i felt nauseous because i was so full, so i wanted to purge almost immediately. i tried and tried... i just couldn't get it to come up! i was so fuckin angry i was crying... why the fuck can't i make myself throw up?
i desperately needed to get rid of those calories, so i took a bunch of laxatives to try to push it through my system... it was an uncomfortable day. i ate dinner with my parents (a small chicken breast grilled, half a cup of rice, a cup of broccoli and a fruit cup) then drove back to school. i got really hungry around 10 tonight so i put on some crest white strips so i couldn't eat. but i only made it half an hour before my blood sugar bottomed out and i ate a handful of pretzels and an apple. how do i make it through a blood sugar crash? hunger i can handle. i actually like it: if my stomach is growling, i'm burning fat. but when my blood sugar crashes i get absolutely ravenous and feel like i'm gonna ptfo... i haven't figured out how to handle that one yet...
today was absolutely miserable on so many levels... i think a liquid fast is in order for the next few days... as much water as i can possible consume, and maybe some light juice and soymilk if i'm feeling ok with the scale...

Day 1

Started the day with a scrambled egg with a little cheddar, and a few sips of orange juice. I've made it 6 hours since eating and I'm starving. Hence the reason for starting the blog: I need a place to bitch and moan about being hungry, and maybe some support.