so there's this boy...

i had a horrible food day and i don't even want to acknowledge what i ate so i'm skipping over that part of today's post.

so there's this boy...

he's kind of the reason for my existence. i realized very early this morning that i can't pretend i'm not in love with him anymore, because i most definitely am in love with him. he's my best friend in the whole world, we've been friends for years, and i'm like 60% sure he doesn't feel the same way.

he says things like "i like you unconditionally, always remember that" and "i care about you more than i care about my family" which in my book equates to love, just not the romantic kind. but he has never said "the L word" in my presence.

his name is P, and he is not exactly what i pictured for myself. he's tall and very skinny (he's a distance runner...) short sandy hair, amazing gray-blue eyes, and the softest skin. he doesn't wear cologne or anything, but he smells amazing all the time. he is perpetually happy (an optimist) and kind of reminds me of a golden retriever. he cracks awful jokes at every opportunity, and he has an uncanny ability to make me happy. truly happy.

i love him and i never saw it coming.

he's a military man. he's in AFROTC at the moment and he's commissioning in the fall. he will be moving around the country for 18 months while he trains to be a pilot, then moving every 3 years for the rest of his career. And he'll probably be deployed for 18+ months on more than one occasion. that's not what i want in a husband or a father to my children.
BUT
he will be making enough money to support a family, so i would be able to stay home and raise the kids, which is what i want. family is the most important thing, and we agree on that. we agree on everything about our hypothetical future life together.

but he doesn't want me.

he's kind of shallow: he likes tall skinny pretty girls, and i'm short chubby and ugly. how could he ever be attracted to me? we've fooled around, but i'm always extremely self-conscious about it because i know that he is not attracted to me.

he's coming home in 3 weeks. i haven't seen him since january.

i woke up this morning half expecting him to be in my bed, asleep flat on his stomach with one arm around me and a pillow over his head. it's adorable the way he sleeps. :) i actually hit snooze and went back to sleep just so i could see if he would be there when i woke up again. he wasn't. of course he wasn't. he's 1000 miles away, and i haven't woken up next to him in months.

of course i'm in love with him. how could i not see it?

so now what do i do?