please feel free to skip over this post completely as it will be nothing but me venting, ranting, and trying to figure out what to do about P. i promise i will not be offended if you ignore me completely, just this once ;)
we had a great conversation tonight. we try to be as straightforward with each other as possible; even though it can be harsh sometimes, it's easier and reduces drama. he told me (after some prodding) that he is in fact attracted to me, and that he wouldn't have fooled around with me in the first place if he wasn't.
P: "what, you thought i just did what i did for shits and giggles? did you really think there was no physical attraction at all? i wouldn't have done the things i did if i wasn't attracted to you."
me: "yes i really did think that"
P: "honestly, there are some things i'd hope you would change, but that's up to you"
me: "everything?"
P: "no of course not. haven't we been over this?"
me: "no i don't think we have"
so we went over it. he thinks i have a nice ass and he likes my hair AND he is "perfectly content" when i'm in his arms. but he loves me the way he thinks he should feel about his family but doesn't (convoluted, isn't it?) he doesn't know what love is, so he doesn't say it. the only 2 things keeping him from wanting a "real" relationship with me are my overall pessimism and me being a fat lazy ass (no he didn't actually say it that meanly).
he's attracted to me. i believe him when he says that he is, but i don't understand it. and he really and truly cares about me. very straightforward. so why is it so damn complicated?
i would do anything in the world for this boy, and it's making me question some of my fundamental values. do i really want to be thin and pretty and active and optimistic, or do i want to be what he wants? seems obvious, of course i want those things. i want them for me, i want to be happy. is it fate that that is what he wants, too? or am i so desperate that i'll change everything about me for a boy. better yet, do my motivations matter, in the end? isn't it better to be happy, no matter the reason?
yes. i think so. so i'll keep at it, and maybe he'll come to his senses. maybe.
I'm so happy to be your first commenter and follower; I remember the first time someone commented on my blog- the feeling of not being alone anymore...
ReplyDeleteAll anyone really wants is to give love and receive it back and it's really hard for some people- It's really hard for me, personally. So I want you to always remember that there are more than THREE BILLION men in the world. And all of them would be lucky to have you. :]
Stay wonderful honey, you'll get through all of this. <3
Thanks for your comment, and I'm proud to be your second follower haha :P
ReplyDeleteI suck at giving advice for guys, listen to Charlie ^^
xo
I feel like such a loser posting twice on the same post haha, but that ^^^ was written as I was running out the door, so it's pretty weak. LAME haha.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, just wanted to say happy belated birthday :)