I have too many sites that I belong to! I have too many blogs, forums, etc. I don't use this one anymore so I'm just gonna delete it. You guys can still follow me on twitter and tumblr though!
www.the-mirror-lies.tumblr.com and fruitlessneuron on twitter
I'm sorry to the 2 girls I'm still following on here... Charlie and Heather, do you guys have a tumblr? I know I follow both of you on twitter, but it's not quite the same... <3
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Blogger is going the way of Xanga...
Tumblr is the new Myspace. Follow me there:
http://fruitlessneuron.tumblr.com/
http://fruitlessneuron.tumblr.com/
Monday, September 27, 2010
Corgi Swim Fail
Nothing worth saying today that hasn't already been said.
Had a shake for breakfast a yogurt for lunch and a PB&J for dinner. 600 cals. I'm ok with this.
I'm going to pounce on Andrew if he doesn't kiss me soon.
I have work that I should be doing but doesn't NEED to be done.
I want to go to sleep but I'm all hyped up.
I miss Phil like I miss air. Life is impossible without him.
Search this title on youtube and laugh until you cry.
Had a shake for breakfast a yogurt for lunch and a PB&J for dinner. 600 cals. I'm ok with this.
I'm going to pounce on Andrew if he doesn't kiss me soon.
I have work that I should be doing but doesn't NEED to be done.
I want to go to sleep but I'm all hyped up.
I miss Phil like I miss air. Life is impossible without him.
Search this title on youtube and laugh until you cry.
Bitch and Moan
Andrew came over to do homework with me and stayed to watch a movie that was on TV. Despite many sideways glances and suggestive leaning, he never touched me. He's coming over again tomorrow night for more homework but my roommate will be here then... Damnit Andrew! Yes I want you to kiss me! Yes it means I want to cuddle when I lean towards you! Yes I wanted you to stay tonight! (although I'm not sure you and your 6-and-a-half-foot nonsense would fit in my twin bed with me...) Can we play please?
I'm so lonely I could cry... And I do, frequently.
Binge day. Cereal, 3 pieces of cake, mini pizza, entire package of creamy noodle business, an apple, and 2 glasses of wine. What a fat piece of trash. 125 by Thanksgiving is looking more and more impossible. But I'm back in my own space and I just have to remind myself that even when it feels like I HAVE TO eat something, I am the one with the control over what goes in my mouth. ME. Visualize Phil's hands on my stomach or just having Phil's approval. I'm doing this as much for him as I am for me. We both need to know I can do it. I need him to be proud of me.
Mood has been surprisingly stable today. Didn't take any Xanax and didn't need any caffeine. Unfortunately "stable" doesn't mean "happy". I'm going to see a counselor tomorrow and just see what she thinks I should do.
My life is teetering on the brink of being a complete mess.
I'm so lonely I could cry... And I do, frequently.
Binge day. Cereal, 3 pieces of cake, mini pizza, entire package of creamy noodle business, an apple, and 2 glasses of wine. What a fat piece of trash. 125 by Thanksgiving is looking more and more impossible. But I'm back in my own space and I just have to remind myself that even when it feels like I HAVE TO eat something, I am the one with the control over what goes in my mouth. ME. Visualize Phil's hands on my stomach or just having Phil's approval. I'm doing this as much for him as I am for me. We both need to know I can do it. I need him to be proud of me.
Mood has been surprisingly stable today. Didn't take any Xanax and didn't need any caffeine. Unfortunately "stable" doesn't mean "happy". I'm going to see a counselor tomorrow and just see what she thinks I should do.
My life is teetering on the brink of being a complete mess.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Think the March Hare and the Mad Hatter
Sorry for the lack of posts/comments... absolutely freaked out on Wednesday and had to go home. Saw my doc on Thursday and I'm apparently bipolar. WHOA THIS IS NOT OK!!!! And the best part is that he gave me a prescription for Xanax and sent me on my way! What a fucking asshole! I'm seeing a counselor on campus on Monday so hopefully she can tell me what I can do to get this mess under control. I was told a long time ago that I was borderline bipolar but it was too early for them to actually make a diagnosis. Well now I have that diagnosis and I've been battling the last few days with the fact that I'm crazy. Not completely batshit crazy, just an emotional disaster. I guess I already knew that but it still sucks to know that it's never gonna get better or go away. It wasn't just teenage weirdness, I actually have a problem.
Rant (feel free the skip this part):
WHY CAN'T I BE A FUCKING NORMAL PERSON LIKE EVERYONE ELSE? WHY DOES MY METABOLISM HAVE TO RUN SO SLOWLY IT'S ACTUALLY GOING BACKWARDS? WHY DOESN'T MY BRAIN FUNCTION CORRECTLY? WHY AM I SO OBSESSIVE ABOUT THIS BOY? WHY CAN'T I GET MY FUCKING LAZY ASS TO WORK OUT EVERY DAY? WHY DO I HAVE ARTHRITIS IN MY KNEES AT THE AGE OF 21? WHY DO I ONLY HAVE $200 TO MY NAME? WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP AND HOW DID THIS HAPPEN????
I'm really scared that I won't be able to graduate in May... My professors are all pissed that I've been missing so much class and I have so much work to make up... And I'm gonna keep right on missing classes until I can get my meds figured out because when I'm depressed it's a gargantuan effort to get out of bed and when I'm manic I just don't care about the consequences.
AND I FUCKING BAKED A CAKE TODAY! Why would I do that to myself? Now there's an entire cake in the house (white with cream cheese frosting... fml) and I simply cannot NOT eat it. Tomorrow I go back to my apartment and I can restrict to my heart's content. Wether I actually do or not remains to be determined.
Comments would be lovely <3
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
List-cap
1. daily calories: 715. YES!
2. how do you get a shin splint in one leg and not the other? (= no run today)
3. flirted with andrew for a solid 3 hours in lab
4. i'm super lonely.
2. how do you get a shin splint in one leg and not the other? (= no run today)
3. flirted with andrew for a solid 3 hours in lab
4. i'm super lonely.
Something in my apartment smells like it's been dead for a few months...
Dearest Phillip,
Why can't you see that I'm the one? Why is it so hard for you to figure out what love is? I can tell by the way you look at me that you feel something, but you're either in denial or simply incapable of expressing emotion. Three words; not that difficult. Figure it out please, ASAP.
Andrew,
Do you have a girlfriend? I didn't think so. What the fuck are you waiting for? Kiss me damnit. Come home and take a nap with me. My bed is entirely too big to sleep in alone. I'm madly in love with someone else, but we're "seeing other people" at the moment. And you're fucking adorable. The end.
what a mess. at least i ate well today :)
Why can't you see that I'm the one? Why is it so hard for you to figure out what love is? I can tell by the way you look at me that you feel something, but you're either in denial or simply incapable of expressing emotion. Three words; not that difficult. Figure it out please, ASAP.
Andrew,
Do you have a girlfriend? I didn't think so. What the fuck are you waiting for? Kiss me damnit. Come home and take a nap with me. My bed is entirely too big to sleep in alone. I'm madly in love with someone else, but we're "seeing other people" at the moment. And you're fucking adorable. The end.
what a mess. at least i ate well today :)
Post number three today
Holy mood swings batman!
Went from content to happy to hyper/giddy to bored to utterly depressed to lonely as fuck to angry to motivated and back to content in less than 18 hours. Whoa nelly.
Did manage to get my ass out the door and go running (during the angry/motivated phase). Made it about a mile (run 3 minutes, walk for 2) before my legs felt like jelly and my lungs ached. Decent considering I haven't exercised in any form at all for about a month. Gotta start somewhere. My goal is to run 5 days a week.
Day 1, check.
The utter depression was triggered by a mini fruit snack binge, which was triggered by nausea/dizziness from taking diet pills on an empty stomach. Before the dizziness, I was doing fantastic on calories today. Mental note for tomorrow: have a granola bar with the diet pills.
Tomorrow's goals:
1. get up at 930 and run at least 1 mile
2. have a shake for breakfast
3. be productive (go to lab, get work done)
4. talk to Andrew <-- eek!
5. have coffee for lunch, and a kashi bar if necessary
6. tuna and crackers for dinner
7. apple as a snack (if necessary)
Who is Andrew you ask? Andrew is my lab partner and he's possibly the most adorable boy on the planet. He's 3 years younger than me (questionable, I know) and about 18 inches taller than me. He's fun to flirt with and he's really very cute. While Phil is off perusing other girls, I may as well have someone to keep me company. We've been flirting for a solid month and I'm sick of nothing happening (hence the talk planned for tomorrow). We're pretty different so I highly doubt it would ever go anywhere, but he really is cute ;)
Wanna run with me? I'm following (sorta) a couch-to-5k program: 3 miles in 6 weeks!
Went from content to happy to hyper/giddy to bored to utterly depressed to lonely as fuck to angry to motivated and back to content in less than 18 hours. Whoa nelly.
Did manage to get my ass out the door and go running (during the angry/motivated phase). Made it about a mile (run 3 minutes, walk for 2) before my legs felt like jelly and my lungs ached. Decent considering I haven't exercised in any form at all for about a month. Gotta start somewhere. My goal is to run 5 days a week.
Day 1, check.
The utter depression was triggered by a mini fruit snack binge, which was triggered by nausea/dizziness from taking diet pills on an empty stomach. Before the dizziness, I was doing fantastic on calories today. Mental note for tomorrow: have a granola bar with the diet pills.
Tomorrow's goals:
1. get up at 930 and run at least 1 mile
2. have a shake for breakfast
3. be productive (go to lab, get work done)
4. talk to Andrew <-- eek!
5. have coffee for lunch, and a kashi bar if necessary
6. tuna and crackers for dinner
7. apple as a snack (if necessary)
Who is Andrew you ask? Andrew is my lab partner and he's possibly the most adorable boy on the planet. He's 3 years younger than me (questionable, I know) and about 18 inches taller than me. He's fun to flirt with and he's really very cute. While Phil is off perusing other girls, I may as well have someone to keep me company. We've been flirting for a solid month and I'm sick of nothing happening (hence the talk planned for tomorrow). We're pretty different so I highly doubt it would ever go anywhere, but he really is cute ;)
Wanna run with me? I'm following (sorta) a couch-to-5k program: 3 miles in 6 weeks!
Monday, September 20, 2010
Clean Slate. Complete Honesty. Pain.
I'm starting this blog over. It has become all about Ed when it should be all about my life. First things first:
I have this idea in my head that if I can look like this by the time I see Phil again, he will magically fall in love with me (again?). I'm absolutely head over heels for this boy. I mean I think he might be the one. He told me he loved me over the summer, but he was drunk and he's never said it before or since. He's 1000 miles away at the moment, and will remain so until Thanksgiving. I'm literally going crazy sitting around and waiting for him. Because here's the kicker: he hasn't had any other serious girlfriends, and he's the kind of guy that needs to make ABSOLUTELY sure he's making the right decisions. He wants to see other people before committing to anything. Which is great. I actually approve (No really, I'm not being sarcastic). I think he needs to find out what he wants, and doesn't want. Of course, I also want him to decide those other girls aren't good enough and come back to me. We're not dating at the moment (so he's free to figure things out) but that doesn't mean my feelings have changed. If he proposed to me today, I'd say yes in a heartbeat. He is everything I want and need. I love you, Phil.
Now that that's out of the way...
I'm currently eating rosemary chicken and potatoes. Fuck me. I'm not hungry and it doesn't taste that good. And I sure as hell don't need it. So why can't I stop eating it??? I think I might actually need help. My relationship with food is so fucked up. I want to hate food, I want to hate eating. But I don't. And I don't enjoy it either. I have no control over what goes in my stomach. It's a really terrible feeling.
Almost as bad as not being good enough for the man you love.
are we sensing a pattern?
several years ago i was told that i "might be bipolar" but nothing was ever done about it. they gave me a happy pill and sent me on my way. which was fine with me. who wants to be bipolar?
in the last few months i've come to notice several alarming patterns... i get all happy and energetic and motivated for about a month (and eat like a healthy sane person), then out of the blue i crash into a deep depression, binge for a day or 2, then start starving again.
this weekend was my cycle-start binge, and today is my first day of starving. again. wanna know what i weighed 3 weeks ago? 128. wanna know what i weighed this morning? 136.2. HORRENDOUS AND DISGUSTING AND EVIL. i want to flatten myself under a rock and stay there until i can safely emerge weighing 115 pounds.
my emotional disorders (whatever they are) have evolved.
i no longer get suicidal when i crash. i don't want to die; i'm not afraid to die, but i still have things to do.
my crashes are getting shorter but more severe.
my highs are getting longer but less manic.
i don't know what all of this means as far as getting skinny. when i'm happy, i'm comfortable with myself and don't feel the need to lose weight (i mean of course i still want to, but i can't make myself stick to a diet). when i crash, it's all i can think about. FAT FAT FAT. NOBODY WANTS YOU. HOW COULD ANYONE EVER BE ATTRACTED TO YOUR CELLLULITE?!
so far today i've had a right-size weight loss shake (200 cals) and a cup of coffee (with splenda). and 4 diet pills. those shakes are pretty cool: blend up this chocolate powder with a glass of skim milk and it makes you feel full for HOURS. and it's got caffiene and vitamins and shit in it. i think i'll have another one for dinner.
i've been fidgeting like whoa today. read somewhere that just twitching your leg can burn 300 calories in a day. not sure if it's true, but it makes sense that moving will burn more calories than sitting still. also trying to stand as much as possible and sit up straight.
more later
in the last few months i've come to notice several alarming patterns... i get all happy and energetic and motivated for about a month (and eat like a healthy sane person), then out of the blue i crash into a deep depression, binge for a day or 2, then start starving again.
this weekend was my cycle-start binge, and today is my first day of starving. again. wanna know what i weighed 3 weeks ago? 128. wanna know what i weighed this morning? 136.2. HORRENDOUS AND DISGUSTING AND EVIL. i want to flatten myself under a rock and stay there until i can safely emerge weighing 115 pounds.
my emotional disorders (whatever they are) have evolved.
i no longer get suicidal when i crash. i don't want to die; i'm not afraid to die, but i still have things to do.
my crashes are getting shorter but more severe.
my highs are getting longer but less manic.
i don't know what all of this means as far as getting skinny. when i'm happy, i'm comfortable with myself and don't feel the need to lose weight (i mean of course i still want to, but i can't make myself stick to a diet). when i crash, it's all i can think about. FAT FAT FAT. NOBODY WANTS YOU. HOW COULD ANYONE EVER BE ATTRACTED TO YOUR CELLLULITE?!
so far today i've had a right-size weight loss shake (200 cals) and a cup of coffee (with splenda). and 4 diet pills. those shakes are pretty cool: blend up this chocolate powder with a glass of skim milk and it makes you feel full for HOURS. and it's got caffiene and vitamins and shit in it. i think i'll have another one for dinner.
i've been fidgeting like whoa today. read somewhere that just twitching your leg can burn 300 calories in a day. not sure if it's true, but it makes sense that moving will burn more calories than sitting still. also trying to stand as much as possible and sit up straight.
more later
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
back on the motivation train
P and I broke up.
I gained 3 pounds.
Classes are over and I'm bored to shit.
I got on the scale this morning... 130.4 I got down to 126 just 2 weeks ago... This is not okay. None of this is okay.
Are you guys noticing a pattern? Because I am. I get really super motivated, I stick with it for a week or two, maybe even three, then I get cocky and think I have a handle on things, so I ease up a bit... which turns into easing up A LOT.
I have absolutely nothing to do until the 20th of August, and I am going to get to 120.
I will not eat more than 200 calories in one sitting.
I will not eat more than 800 calories per day. (abc?)
I will not find excuses to make it easier.
This is going to be brutal and excruciating and I need to grin and bear it. No excuses.
NO EXCUSES!!!
I gained 3 pounds.
Classes are over and I'm bored to shit.
I got on the scale this morning... 130.4 I got down to 126 just 2 weeks ago... This is not okay. None of this is okay.
Are you guys noticing a pattern? Because I am. I get really super motivated, I stick with it for a week or two, maybe even three, then I get cocky and think I have a handle on things, so I ease up a bit... which turns into easing up A LOT.
I have absolutely nothing to do until the 20th of August, and I am going to get to 120.
I will not eat more than 200 calories in one sitting.
I will not eat more than 800 calories per day. (abc?)
I will not find excuses to make it easier.
This is going to be brutal and excruciating and I need to grin and bear it. No excuses.
NO EXCUSES!!!
Monday, June 7, 2010
126.6
Nope. I was wrong. P is concerned. He doesn't want to see me "unhealthy" or end up in the hospital.
I'm planning out my "meals" because he's so worried I will stop eating. But the plus side is that if I make a plan he will help me stick to it. That will be put to the test today, because my plan is 450 calories. Will he be ok with that? We're going on a picnic for dinner where I will be eating a rice cake and 2 slices of turkey. If he tries to make me eat more than that I swear I will punch him in the face.
And yes, you read that title correctly. I ate 1200 calories yesterday and lost a pound. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's water weight or something though because I feel FAT today.
<3
I'm planning out my "meals" because he's so worried I will stop eating. But the plus side is that if I make a plan he will help me stick to it. That will be put to the test today, because my plan is 450 calories. Will he be ok with that? We're going on a picnic for dinner where I will be eating a rice cake and 2 slices of turkey. If he tries to make me eat more than that I swear I will punch him in the face.
And yes, you read that title correctly. I ate 1200 calories yesterday and lost a pound. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's water weight or something though because I feel FAT today.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
20 pounds in 2 months?
520 cals yesterday = 127.6 today
why can't i do that ever day?!?!?
already had 800 cals today. fail.
trudging on with ABC: no more food today and 300 cals tomorrow.
day1: 500 calories (520... close enough)
day2: 500 calories
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast
yea we'll see.
Oh p.s. I told P everything about my eating habits last night. He took is surprisingly well. He doesn't think I have an ED (thank god for that) and he doesn't think it's a huge problem (except when I fast for long periods of time). He wants to see me healthy, but I don't think he's too concerned. It's perfect!
<3
why can't i do that ever day?!?!?
already had 800 cals today. fail.
trudging on with ABC: no more food today and 300 cals tomorrow.
day2: 500 calories
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast
yea we'll see.
Oh p.s. I told P everything about my eating habits last night. He took is surprisingly well. He doesn't think I have an ED (thank god for that) and he doesn't think it's a huge problem (except when I fast for long periods of time). He wants to see me healthy, but I don't think he's too concerned. It's perfect!
<3
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Ana Boot Camp
Ladies and lovers, Red has returned!
I apologize profusely for leaving you, I didn't do it consciously. P makes me want to be healthy. But I've seen the error of my ways; fat people are inherently unhealthy. Skinny first, then healthy. I caught up on all 200-some posts that I missed and will resume commenting today!
So anyway... down to business.
I've been eating "normally" which means I've been pigging out like the whale I am (1000-1500 cals every day) and to top it all off, I HAVEN'T BEEN TRACKING ANY OF IT!!!! This is big time bad news because I had a mild anxiety attack about it last night. But the new me will stress, then get real and pep talk myself into changing the stressor. No more wallowing in self pity. If I feel fat then 1) it's entirely my fault and 2) I have the power to change it. I blame this new thought process on P. :D
128.8 this morning.
Balls.
Created a new SparkPeople account in the spirit of starting over. (If you guys don't have a sparkpeople account, I highly recommend signing up- it's a free super tracking program!)
Starting ABC today. Activia light and a slice of turkey so far today. 100 cals.
Also joined AnaB's twitter ring. Hopefully it will help me avoid those bingey pitfalls.
Ana Banana gave me the Beautiful Blogger award nearly a month ago and I've yet to respond! What atrocious manners!
So here it is... 7 things you don't know about me:
1. I will lie to make myself more interesting (but not to you guys!)
2. My mom had a heart transplant last January. I'll post that story another time- it's a long one
3. I fake orgasms. Always.
4. I'm an only child.
5. I used to be really smart. Then I lost all will power and stopped trying. I bet I could still get a 4.0 if I actually applied myself. (I did manage a 3.7 last semester though! yay!)
6. I've tried to kill myself 4 times.
7. I actually WANT to get pregnant and drop out of college and start a family. As long as P sticks around :p
Oh man.
*drumroll please* And I nominate...
Ana Banana
Scarlet
Charlie
Charr
PrettyWreck
I know some of you have gotten it before (and I'm not sure I'm allowed to give it to you again but I don't care because you ALL deserve it!) I love you all.
Stay strong skinnies <3
I apologize profusely for leaving you, I didn't do it consciously. P makes me want to be healthy. But I've seen the error of my ways; fat people are inherently unhealthy. Skinny first, then healthy. I caught up on all 200-some posts that I missed and will resume commenting today!
So anyway... down to business.
I've been eating "normally" which means I've been pigging out like the whale I am (1000-1500 cals every day) and to top it all off, I HAVEN'T BEEN TRACKING ANY OF IT!!!! This is big time bad news because I had a mild anxiety attack about it last night. But the new me will stress, then get real and pep talk myself into changing the stressor. No more wallowing in self pity. If I feel fat then 1) it's entirely my fault and 2) I have the power to change it. I blame this new thought process on P. :D
128.8 this morning.
Balls.
Created a new SparkPeople account in the spirit of starting over. (If you guys don't have a sparkpeople account, I highly recommend signing up- it's a free super tracking program!)
Starting ABC today. Activia light and a slice of turkey so far today. 100 cals.
Also joined AnaB's twitter ring. Hopefully it will help me avoid those bingey pitfalls.
Ana Banana gave me the Beautiful Blogger award nearly a month ago and I've yet to respond! What atrocious manners!
So here it is... 7 things you don't know about me:
1. I will lie to make myself more interesting (but not to you guys!)
2. My mom had a heart transplant last January. I'll post that story another time- it's a long one
3. I fake orgasms. Always.
4. I'm an only child.
5. I used to be really smart. Then I lost all will power and stopped trying. I bet I could still get a 4.0 if I actually applied myself. (I did manage a 3.7 last semester though! yay!)
6. I've tried to kill myself 4 times.
7. I actually WANT to get pregnant and drop out of college and start a family. As long as P sticks around :p
Oh man.
*drumroll please* And I nominate...
Ana Banana
Scarlet
Charlie
Charr
PrettyWreck
I know some of you have gotten it before (and I'm not sure I'm allowed to give it to you again but I don't care because you ALL deserve it!) I love you all.
Stay strong skinnies <3
Friday, June 4, 2010
SORRY!!!!
i've been so ridiculously busy i can't even think straight!
stuck at 128.
loving P more and more every day.
i'll come back with a proper update in the next few days, promise!
i still love you all
stuck at 128.
loving P more and more every day.
i'll come back with a proper update in the next few days, promise!
i still love you all
Sunday, May 16, 2010
the good, the bad, and the ugly
P and I are officially dating :D
Good.
127.2 this morning. I'm confused. I think I need a new scale.
Bad.
Had a small bowl of Kashi with skim milk this morning. 200 cals. Not a liquid.
Ugly.
Juice fasting the rest of the day... 200 calories of good-for-you cereal isn't any reason to throw the rest of the day away. I'm going bikini shopping when I hit 125, and I have this one already picked out that I want. Hurray for goals/rewards/bribing yourself!
Charlie: Thank you for the confidence my dear! I know I can do it, too. I just have to kick myself in the arse to make sure it gets done!
Scarlet: The more the merrier! I think it's doable once I get myself on that routine. It's starting it that will be the hardest part I think.
Ana Banana: Water fasting completely screwed with my system from day 2 on. I'm hoping I can confuse my metabolism enough that I can avoid said screwing this time around ;) And I know me saying this won't change a damn thing, but you do NOT need to torture yourself to get what you want (says the one who tortures herself...) Ugh! Why do we keep coming back to this life?
Good.
127.2 this morning. I'm confused. I think I need a new scale.
Bad.
Had a small bowl of Kashi with skim milk this morning. 200 cals. Not a liquid.
Ugly.
Juice fasting the rest of the day... 200 calories of good-for-you cereal isn't any reason to throw the rest of the day away. I'm going bikini shopping when I hit 125, and I have this one already picked out that I want. Hurray for goals/rewards/bribing yourself!
Charlie: Thank you for the confidence my dear! I know I can do it, too. I just have to kick myself in the arse to make sure it gets done!
Scarlet: The more the merrier! I think it's doable once I get myself on that routine. It's starting it that will be the hardest part I think.
Ana Banana: Water fasting completely screwed with my system from day 2 on. I'm hoping I can confuse my metabolism enough that I can avoid said screwing this time around ;) And I know me saying this won't change a damn thing, but you do NOT need to torture yourself to get what you want (says the one who tortures herself...) Ugh! Why do we keep coming back to this life?
Saturday, May 15, 2010
#30
So sorry for the lack of posting and commenting. I haven't forgotten you guys, I've just been distracted.
Fasting went to hell in a hand basket the last few days...
Weighed 128.4 this morning. swliuhwaelbdfmngwbergsdfkjlfuck
I'm starting afresh today. Water fasting is too difficult to keep up for any length of time with my nonexistent will-power, so here's my new plan:
Water fast for one day
Liquid fast for one day (~500 cals)
Repeat until the scale reads 108
I think I can
I think I can
I think I can
Fasting went to hell in a hand basket the last few days...
Weighed 128.4 this morning. swliuhwaelbdfmngwbergsdfkjlfuck
I'm starting afresh today. Water fasting is too difficult to keep up for any length of time with my nonexistent will-power, so here's my new plan:
Water fast for one day
Liquid fast for one day (~500 cals)
Repeat until the scale reads 108
I think I can
I think I can
I think I can
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Day 3
126.8 this morning. I'm not even excited about it because it isn't 125. And it isn't even close to 108.
I'm fasting till I hit 125, then I'll liquid fast for a few days, then just restrict. I hate this feeling. I have no energy whatsoever and I feel weak. I can't concentrate, I'm not interested in anything. My body is revolting.
No pain today- no heartburn, no cramps, no twisted up stomach. Is this ketosis?
P told me I was beautiful last night. He's never said that.
He also said he was too afraid of breaking my heart to date me.
I'm fasting till I hit 125, then I'll liquid fast for a few days, then just restrict. I hate this feeling. I have no energy whatsoever and I feel weak. I can't concentrate, I'm not interested in anything. My body is revolting.
No pain today- no heartburn, no cramps, no twisted up stomach. Is this ketosis?
P told me I was beautiful last night. He's never said that.
He also said he was too afraid of breaking my heart to date me.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Success!
Day 2 (yes I'm starting over since I ate on Sunday): 127.6!!!!!!!!!
This fasting thing is really something!
35 total calories yesterday (managed to skip the dinnertime shake) and I'm aiming for around 50 today. Vitamin chew isn't necessary I suppose, but I can't take my Celexa on an empty stomach... protein sips it is!
Starting to feel the effects, though. Yesterday was easier than I thought, once I discovered how much Tums helped :) I can tell today will be harder. I have no energy and I feel weak. But I CAN make it until ketosis, then it will be smooth sailing.
Seeing P last night was magical. I didn't even feel anything but butterflies at first, but it was a slow building thing- by the time I left (at 4:30 in the morning, mind you) I was just smug as a bug in a rug :)
Love:
Scarlet- What we're doing IS normal (or at least it will be!) I'm pro summer-long-fasting-of-some-type, this is like boot camp for that. But I didn't let you down yesterday! <3
Ana Banana- Cutting out the vitamins today, maybe it will make it easier? I can't stop taking my meds though... boo. <3
This fasting thing is really something!
35 total calories yesterday (managed to skip the dinnertime shake) and I'm aiming for around 50 today. Vitamin chew isn't necessary I suppose, but I can't take my Celexa on an empty stomach... protein sips it is!
Starting to feel the effects, though. Yesterday was easier than I thought, once I discovered how much Tums helped :) I can tell today will be harder. I have no energy and I feel weak. But I CAN make it until ketosis, then it will be smooth sailing.
Seeing P last night was magical. I didn't even feel anything but butterflies at first, but it was a slow building thing- by the time I left (at 4:30 in the morning, mind you) I was just smug as a bug in a rug :)
Love:
Scarlet- What we're doing IS normal (or at least it will be!) I'm pro summer-long-fasting-of-some-type, this is like boot camp for that. But I didn't let you down yesterday! <3
Ana Banana- Cutting out the vitamins today, maybe it will make it easier? I can't stop taking my meds though... boo. <3
Monday, May 10, 2010
8 more hours
129.4 this morning, but I don't deserve it.
I deserve to be 300 pounds after that mess last night.
But today is a new day, and I trudge on...
3 sips of protein shake = 1 oz = 20 cals
1 vitamin chew = 15 cals
Once again I find myself at 35 calories in the early afternoon. I think I'll have 2-3 ounces of protein shake for "dinner" just so I don't binge tonight. (btw I love the Odwalla Chocolate Protein Monster shakes- it's just like chocolate milk!)
Any comments or tips about fasting? (particularly before ketosis kicks in? I think I need them...)
<3
I deserve to be 300 pounds after that mess last night.
But today is a new day, and I trudge on...
3 sips of protein shake = 1 oz = 20 cals
1 vitamin chew = 15 cals
Once again I find myself at 35 calories in the early afternoon. I think I'll have 2-3 ounces of protein shake for "dinner" just so I don't binge tonight. (btw I love the Odwalla Chocolate Protein Monster shakes- it's just like chocolate milk!)
Any comments or tips about fasting? (particularly before ketosis kicks in? I think I need them...)
<3
Up with the sun
I have a confession to make.
I did SO WELL yesterday, only 35 calories. Until bedtime.
midnight binge:
apple pie- 300 cals
fruit cup- 90 cals
coffee cake- 100 cals
cheese spread- 80 cals
crackers- 130 cals
chips- 140 cals
2 cookies- 275 cals
binge total: 1115 calories
I ATE 1115 CALORIES IN 20 MINUTES!!!!!!!!!
I layed in bed and cried for a solid half hour. I don't deserve P. I wasn't even hungry, for god's sake, I just wanted to eat. I'm such a fat piece of lard. A whale. I can't look at myself in the mirror without seeing all the times I've tried to lose weight and failed. I'm still fat.
WHY CAN'T I GET MYSELF TO 108 FUCKING POUNDS?!?!?
WHY DON'T I HAVE ANY SELF CONTROL WHATSOEVER?!?!
WHY MUST I KEEP EATING, LIKE AN ADDICT THAT JUST WANTS ONE LAST HIT!?
I am an addict. I'm addicted to food, and it's dragging me down into a deep dark fat hole. I have to quit. But it seems I can't quit cold turkey. I'm just not strong enough...
Today's plan: I will trudge on in my fasting attempt, but if I feel the urge to binge, I will allow myself a few sips of protein shake or juice, and then I MUST WAIT 30 MINUTES BEFORE ALLOWING MYSELF TO EAT. Hopefully that will be enough time to get distracted or for the shake to make me strong enough to resist.
I, Red, do solemnly swear that I will wait 30 minutes after feeling the urge to ingest this poison we call food, before I give in to the weakness. I will do everything in my power to distract myself and motivate myself to continue. If I must give in to the urge, I promise to drink a full glass of water first, and to eat only raw foods, and to eat them slowly.
I will see P in 14 hours. Do you think that's enough time for a laxi purge...?
I'm so pathetic.
Comments:
Ana Banana- Somewhat surprisingly, nobody has ever called me ginger snap and I kind of love it :) And of course you can have my CW, heaven knows I don't want the damn thing anymore!
Scarlet- I failed miserably yesterday, but I won't let you down today. Water fast (at least liquid fast <100 cals...) We can do it!
I did SO WELL yesterday, only 35 calories. Until bedtime.
midnight binge:
apple pie- 300 cals
fruit cup- 90 cals
coffee cake- 100 cals
cheese spread- 80 cals
crackers- 130 cals
chips- 140 cals
2 cookies- 275 cals
binge total: 1115 calories
I ATE 1115 CALORIES IN 20 MINUTES!!!!!!!!!
I layed in bed and cried for a solid half hour. I don't deserve P. I wasn't even hungry, for god's sake, I just wanted to eat. I'm such a fat piece of lard. A whale. I can't look at myself in the mirror without seeing all the times I've tried to lose weight and failed. I'm still fat.
WHY CAN'T I GET MYSELF TO 108 FUCKING POUNDS?!?!?
WHY DON'T I HAVE ANY SELF CONTROL WHATSOEVER?!?!
WHY MUST I KEEP EATING, LIKE AN ADDICT THAT JUST WANTS ONE LAST HIT!?
I am an addict. I'm addicted to food, and it's dragging me down into a deep dark fat hole. I have to quit. But it seems I can't quit cold turkey. I'm just not strong enough...
Today's plan: I will trudge on in my fasting attempt, but if I feel the urge to binge, I will allow myself a few sips of protein shake or juice, and then I MUST WAIT 30 MINUTES BEFORE ALLOWING MYSELF TO EAT. Hopefully that will be enough time to get distracted or for the shake to make me strong enough to resist.
I, Red, do solemnly swear that I will wait 30 minutes after feeling the urge to ingest this poison we call food, before I give in to the weakness. I will do everything in my power to distract myself and motivate myself to continue. If I must give in to the urge, I promise to drink a full glass of water first, and to eat only raw foods, and to eat them slowly.
I will see P in 14 hours. Do you think that's enough time for a laxi purge...?
I'm so pathetic.
Comments:
Ana Banana- Somewhat surprisingly, nobody has ever called me ginger snap and I kind of love it :) And of course you can have my CW, heaven knows I don't want the damn thing anymore!
Scarlet- I failed miserably yesterday, but I won't let you down today. Water fast (at least liquid fast <100 cals...) We can do it!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Spring
Weighed in this morning at 130.6. Unacceptable.
In the spirit of spring and rejuvenation, I'm starting a one-week detox water fast. Not only do I need to drop pounds fast, I feel like absolute crap and I'm tired all the time. Maybe detoxing will help me out.
Thanks Ana Banana for your wonderful fasting site
Calories today so far: 0
Here are my goals:
Sunday: <100 calories, 129
Monday: 0 calories, 128 (P comes home!)
Tuesday: 0 calories, 127
Wednesday: 0 calories, 126
Thursday: 0 calories, 125 (I haven't weighed this since I was 14)
Friday: 0 calories, 124
Saturday: <100 calories, 123?
Sunday: <100 calories, 122??
Monday: <300 calories, maintain 122?
I think I may tell my mom I'm detoxing, just so she doesn't get suspicious when she sees that I'm not eating.
EDIT:
vitamin chew: 15 cals
propel: 20 cals (diluted to 40 oz water)
total so far: 35 cals
In the spirit of spring and rejuvenation, I'm starting a one-week detox water fast. Not only do I need to drop pounds fast, I feel like absolute crap and I'm tired all the time. Maybe detoxing will help me out.
Thanks Ana Banana for your wonderful fasting site
Calories today so far: 0
Here are my goals:
Sunday: <100 calories, 129
Monday: 0 calories, 128 (P comes home!)
Tuesday: 0 calories, 127
Wednesday: 0 calories, 126
Thursday: 0 calories, 125 (I haven't weighed this since I was 14)
Friday: 0 calories, 124
Saturday: <100 calories, 123?
Sunday: <100 calories, 122??
Monday: <300 calories, maintain 122?
I think I may tell my mom I'm detoxing, just so she doesn't get suspicious when she sees that I'm not eating.
EDIT:
vitamin chew: 15 cals
propel: 20 cals (diluted to 40 oz water)
total so far: 35 cals
Saturday, May 8, 2010
busy bee
Sorry I haven't been posting, but I had finals and moving out of my dorm and back home. I just read all 20something blog entries that I missed, don't worry!
I haven't been counting calories and it made me so anxious... I don't think I went over 1200 any day (which is wayyyy too much but I needed the energy and my uterus is currently controlling my appetite =/ I shouldn't gain on that, at any rate...)
Last time I weighed in I was 127.8, but then I got my period... I refuse to step on the scale when I'm bleeding because I know it's not accurate and it will just depress me to the point of binging, which is the opposite of helpful.
P comes home Monday night. Water fast Sunday and Monday, hopefully I can drop 2-3 more pounds by the time he sees me. 125?!?! Is it possible!?
I'm living at home again, which makes it difficult to not eat. I can probably skip breakfast and lunch without too much notice, but dinner is always necessary. Even if I only eat dinner every day, there's just no way I can get under 500 calories per day.
When P comes home, we have decided to start working out together (Eeeeek!) But he is all about fitness, and I'm down for anything that burns calories. I'm so nervous about him seeing how out of shape I am, though. I told him I want to start running, but I think we're mostly gonna be doing strength training (toning for me, building for him). His legs are 10 feet long and mine... are not. I doubt I could run with him anyway. We'll see. I hope he doesn't run in the other direction when he sees my legs jiggle when I run... :'(
I've been on this wedding kick lately... Watching "Say Yes to the Dress" a lot, picking out my ring and my dress, planning my wedding... No idea what that's about.
Also having a lot of pregnancy dreams... My subconscious apparently wants to get married and have a baby! I'm 21 years old and my biological clock is already ticking...
I miss P so much my chest literally aches. And it scares me. There's an applicable Twilight quote that pretty much describes my life right now: "I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew- knew it in the pit of my stomach, the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest- was how love gave someone the power to break you"
I guess this is the point where I tell you guys about D.
D was my high school sweetheart. We met freshman year (and hated each other- kind of funny) and ended up in the same group of friends sophomore year. We hung out a lot, talked a lot, and he asked me out one day. I had a huge crush on him so of course I said yes. It was like we were made for each other. This boy was everything I ever wanted: romantic, funny, honest, trustworthy, caring. I fell in love with him after only 2 months of dating. He was a year ahead of me in school. We dated through his senior year and were so happy it was kind of obscene. He went to college and things got really hard. My senior year kind of sucked, and he started to change. We grew apart because we never got to see each other. I went to the same university he was at, so my freshman year there was better. But he was different. We weren't happy anymore. I was still madly in love with him, but just before Christmas that year, he told me he didn't think he loved me anymore. I was absolutely devastated, crushed. I layed in bed for a full week and cried, unable to function at all. I was so positive that I was gonna marry this boy, that we were just having a rough spot, but we would work it out. We broke up several times between December and February, then broke up for good in March. We dated for 2.5 years. It's been over 2 years since he left me, and I'm still not completely over it.
So you can see why feeling this way about P scares me. What if he changes his mind, too? What if I can't hold his interest? What if he decided I'm not good enough? Not skinny enough? Not pretty enough? I know he would never hurt me on purpose, and he would do anything to prevent it. But I wonder if he realizes all the other ways he could hurt me? I wonder if he realizes the "power" that I've given him to "break" me? I love him, and it's terrifying.
This is getting crazy long...
I haven't been counting calories and it made me so anxious... I don't think I went over 1200 any day (which is wayyyy too much but I needed the energy and my uterus is currently controlling my appetite =/ I shouldn't gain on that, at any rate...)
Last time I weighed in I was 127.8, but then I got my period... I refuse to step on the scale when I'm bleeding because I know it's not accurate and it will just depress me to the point of binging, which is the opposite of helpful.
P comes home Monday night. Water fast Sunday and Monday, hopefully I can drop 2-3 more pounds by the time he sees me. 125?!?! Is it possible!?
I'm living at home again, which makes it difficult to not eat. I can probably skip breakfast and lunch without too much notice, but dinner is always necessary. Even if I only eat dinner every day, there's just no way I can get under 500 calories per day.
When P comes home, we have decided to start working out together (Eeeeek!) But he is all about fitness, and I'm down for anything that burns calories. I'm so nervous about him seeing how out of shape I am, though. I told him I want to start running, but I think we're mostly gonna be doing strength training (toning for me, building for him). His legs are 10 feet long and mine... are not. I doubt I could run with him anyway. We'll see. I hope he doesn't run in the other direction when he sees my legs jiggle when I run... :'(
I've been on this wedding kick lately... Watching "Say Yes to the Dress" a lot, picking out my ring and my dress, planning my wedding... No idea what that's about.
Also having a lot of pregnancy dreams... My subconscious apparently wants to get married and have a baby! I'm 21 years old and my biological clock is already ticking...
I miss P so much my chest literally aches. And it scares me. There's an applicable Twilight quote that pretty much describes my life right now: "I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew- knew it in the pit of my stomach, the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest- was how love gave someone the power to break you"
I guess this is the point where I tell you guys about D.
D was my high school sweetheart. We met freshman year (and hated each other- kind of funny) and ended up in the same group of friends sophomore year. We hung out a lot, talked a lot, and he asked me out one day. I had a huge crush on him so of course I said yes. It was like we were made for each other. This boy was everything I ever wanted: romantic, funny, honest, trustworthy, caring. I fell in love with him after only 2 months of dating. He was a year ahead of me in school. We dated through his senior year and were so happy it was kind of obscene. He went to college and things got really hard. My senior year kind of sucked, and he started to change. We grew apart because we never got to see each other. I went to the same university he was at, so my freshman year there was better. But he was different. We weren't happy anymore. I was still madly in love with him, but just before Christmas that year, he told me he didn't think he loved me anymore. I was absolutely devastated, crushed. I layed in bed for a full week and cried, unable to function at all. I was so positive that I was gonna marry this boy, that we were just having a rough spot, but we would work it out. We broke up several times between December and February, then broke up for good in March. We dated for 2.5 years. It's been over 2 years since he left me, and I'm still not completely over it.
So you can see why feeling this way about P scares me. What if he changes his mind, too? What if I can't hold his interest? What if he decided I'm not good enough? Not skinny enough? Not pretty enough? I know he would never hurt me on purpose, and he would do anything to prevent it. But I wonder if he realizes all the other ways he could hurt me? I wonder if he realizes the "power" that I've given him to "break" me? I love him, and it's terrifying.
This is getting crazy long...
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
confession
I had ice cream tonight. Probably only half a cup, but that's 200 calories I didn't need. Goddamn hormones.
Today's intake is 935. Ugh.
Ana Banana: I love you. No for real, you're my favorite person right now. You're absolutely right. Today was an epic fail and completely horrible in every way. I can blame the PMS, I can blame the attempted fasting, but in the end I chose to eat those awful things. And they will ruin me. I already have blood sugar issues, no need to make things harder for myself! To be fair, the juicebox was low sugar fruit and veggie juice, and the granola bar had lots of fiber. But that's not enough to make it ok. I do like fruits and some veggies, but I don't eat meat. Your dip diet sounds dangerous, because I would use peanut butter as a dip! Back to fasting tomorrow. Maybe I'll allow myself a protein shake if I can't handle it (I do have 2 exams tomorrow...) Stay strong, love. You're my hero.
Today's intake is 935. Ugh.
Ana Banana: I love you. No for real, you're my favorite person right now. You're absolutely right. Today was an epic fail and completely horrible in every way. I can blame the PMS, I can blame the attempted fasting, but in the end I chose to eat those awful things. And they will ruin me. I already have blood sugar issues, no need to make things harder for myself! To be fair, the juicebox was low sugar fruit and veggie juice, and the granola bar had lots of fiber. But that's not enough to make it ok. I do like fruits and some veggies, but I don't eat meat. Your dip diet sounds dangerous, because I would use peanut butter as a dip! Back to fasting tomorrow. Maybe I'll allow myself a protein shake if I can't handle it (I do have 2 exams tomorrow...) Stay strong, love. You're my hero.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
simply in awe.
128.4 this morning. I guess my chocolate bar excursion wasn't as bad as I thought. I lost 1.2 pounds yesterday.
I don't understand. I should be getting my period any second now, which means I should be bloated to the point of explosion. But I'm not. And I've been drinking enough water. Maybe it's the lack of salt?
I'm giving up on the fast and just restricting. Today is a high calorie, metabolism boosting day, aiming for 800.
Intake:
juicebox: 70
granola bar: 90
donut: 200
eggs: 175
chips: 200
Total so far: 735
I can lose 3 pounds in the next week. I know I can. P won't know what hit him.
Comments:
Ariana: Welcome! Food defeated me today, but I like that word: defeat. Thanks for you support!
Charlie: you're the amazing one my dear! <3
Ana Banana: 38 may as well have been 3800 if you're fasting, even though 38 calories is fucking fantastic! I know what you mean. It is nice to know that you can start fresh every day
Charr: I'll never not beat myself up, but thanks for your support, it means a lot!
I don't understand. I should be getting my period any second now, which means I should be bloated to the point of explosion. But I'm not. And I've been drinking enough water. Maybe it's the lack of salt?
I'm giving up on the fast and just restricting. Today is a high calorie, metabolism boosting day, aiming for 800.
Intake:
juicebox: 70
granola bar: 90
donut: 200
eggs: 175
chips: 200
Total so far: 735
I can lose 3 pounds in the next week. I know I can. P won't know what hit him.
Comments:
Ariana: Welcome! Food defeated me today, but I like that word: defeat. Thanks for you support!
Charlie: you're the amazing one my dear! <3
Ana Banana: 38 may as well have been 3800 if you're fasting, even though 38 calories is fucking fantastic! I know what you mean. It is nice to know that you can start fresh every day
Charr: I'll never not beat myself up, but thanks for your support, it means a lot!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Depression.
I just ate a chocolate bar, skinnies. My blood sugar crashed (I don't know why?) and I needed the sugar surge. 220 calories. Water fast day 2; ruined. Ana Banana I'm letting you down and I'm sorry. Your strength continues to amaze me.
Total intake: 220 (NOT 0)
Total intake: 220 (NOT 0)
Progress
129.6 this morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I haven't been under 130 since before Thanksgiving (and that was only for a few days!)
WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
I've eaten nothing today. I'm so hungry :)
I think I aced my chemistry final.
P will be home in 8 days.
I'm flying.
I haven't been under 130 since before Thanksgiving (and that was only for a few days!)
WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
I've eaten nothing today. I'm so hungry :)
I think I aced my chemistry final.
P will be home in 8 days.
I'm flying.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
you win some, you lose some
Today's intake:
3 eggs, scrambled: 270
8 fruit slices: 130
1 granola bar: 220
Total: 620
SHAMEFUL! NOT EVEN CLOSE TO FASTING!
The only solace I have is that I was hungry for a large part of the day, and when I'm hungry, I'm burning my stomach pudge (sorry for that visual!)
For future reference: Miralax is no good for clearing your system quickly. I took a dose Friday night and another dose Saturday night and haven't had any effects whatsoever.
I think I'm going through P withdrawal :( He's been gone for months, but the fact that I get to see him next week somehow makes me miss him even more. Silly boys.
Lovers!
Charr: Thanks for the vote of confidence! <3
Scarlet: I'd like to think that everything balances out, but I'm deathly afraid that my metabolism doesn't work that way. We'll see when I weigh in tomorrow I suppose!
Ana Banana: Yes let's do it together! I'm trying to water-fast but I'll give into protein shakes if I feel like death (Obviously today was a fail, but that's the plan). Thanks for the encouragement earlier, I definitely needed it!
Charlie: Thank you for the verbal kick in the rear! Your confidence in me was just what I needed! <3
And look at all those followers! Welcome loves, I hope you find what you're looking for here <3
3 eggs, scrambled: 270
8 fruit slices: 130
1 granola bar: 220
Total: 620
SHAMEFUL! NOT EVEN CLOSE TO FASTING!
The only solace I have is that I was hungry for a large part of the day, and when I'm hungry, I'm burning my stomach pudge (sorry for that visual!)
For future reference: Miralax is no good for clearing your system quickly. I took a dose Friday night and another dose Saturday night and haven't had any effects whatsoever.
I think I'm going through P withdrawal :( He's been gone for months, but the fact that I get to see him next week somehow makes me miss him even more. Silly boys.
Lovers!
Charr: Thanks for the vote of confidence! <3
Scarlet: I'd like to think that everything balances out, but I'm deathly afraid that my metabolism doesn't work that way. We'll see when I weigh in tomorrow I suppose!
Ana Banana: Yes let's do it together! I'm trying to water-fast but I'll give into protein shakes if I feel like death (Obviously today was a fail, but that's the plan). Thanks for the encouragement earlier, I definitely needed it!
Charlie: Thank you for the verbal kick in the rear! Your confidence in me was just what I needed! <3
And look at all those followers! Welcome loves, I hope you find what you're looking for here <3
bad bad bad bad bad
i just ate a granola bar and 8 fruit slices (you know those candy things that don't even taste good, but it's like dumping the sugar bowl into your mouth so you eat them?)
THIS IS NOT FASTING, RED! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!!!
will somebody else please yell at me, too? i need it
THIS IS NOT FASTING, RED! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!!!
will somebody else please yell at me, too? i need it
Saturday, May 1, 2010
insane in the membrane
I just had an entire post written and deleted it all because it wasn't entirely true. I was bluffing and fudging to make myself sound better. If I can't be myself with you guys, who the hell am I?
Fasted all day Thursday and continued until 6pm on Friday. I had to eat dinner because I ate with my parents, but I only had 1/2 cup of rice and some steamed broccoli and one bite of chicken (my mom tried a new recipe so I could claim to not like it without feeling too guilty). I ate a few tortilla chips with salsa Friday night, so about 400 calories for the day.
Today was harder. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast even though I probably could have skipped breakfast without attracting too much attention. I honestly don't know why I ate it. Then we went to the wedding (my mom's best friend got remarried today- she's like my second mother) and I was proud of myself. I ate 3 grapes, a few bites of rigatoni, and 1/4 of a turkey sandwich. No cake. No delicious appetizers. Only control.
Then I got home, took a nap, and woke up ravenous. No, I wasn't even that hungry, just felt like I should eat. So I made some Kraft mac and cheese, AND ATE HALF THE BOX!!! AND FOLLOWED IT WITH TWO CHOCOLATE THINGS FROM THE WEDDING! I hate myself sometimes.... I was doing so well! Not eating when I could, restricting when I had to. WTF?! My intake for today is around 1200. Unacceptable. Yesterday's intake was less than half that. I took some laxi's today, so maybe I can ease some of the damage. P IS COMING HOME IN 10 DAYS AND I HAVE 6 POUNDS TO LOSE! I can't afford slips in control like this. I do ok when I fast, but when I start eating it's much harder to stop.
I'm going back to school in the morning, so I don't have to worry about eating to appease anyone. Being at home is so much harder, I don't know what I'm gonna do all summer. I realized today that I don't even like food that much anymore. I think that pizza-binge flipped a switch or something, and now all food makes me a little nauseous.
Weighed in at 130.6 this morning, but it was on my mom's scale so it's probably different. Obviously missed my 128-by-the-wedding goal; hopefully I can still get to 125 by the 12th...
Comments!
Ana Banana: I AM a hopeless romantic, and I know it's going to come back to bite me in the ass time and time again. But it also makes the happy times happier, so I think it's worth it. I've had my heart brutally ripped out once, so I know pain. But I know love, too. Can you have one without the other, really?
Charr: I've known P since sophomore year in high school, so 6ish years. We didn't get close until 2 years ago, then we got REALLY close last summer (if you know what I mean!) He's a truly decent person, and I find those increasingly hard to come by
p.s. Does anyone know how to link your Flickr account to the slideshow gadget? Mine won't work for some reason...
Fasted all day Thursday and continued until 6pm on Friday. I had to eat dinner because I ate with my parents, but I only had 1/2 cup of rice and some steamed broccoli and one bite of chicken (my mom tried a new recipe so I could claim to not like it without feeling too guilty). I ate a few tortilla chips with salsa Friday night, so about 400 calories for the day.
Today was harder. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast even though I probably could have skipped breakfast without attracting too much attention. I honestly don't know why I ate it. Then we went to the wedding (my mom's best friend got remarried today- she's like my second mother) and I was proud of myself. I ate 3 grapes, a few bites of rigatoni, and 1/4 of a turkey sandwich. No cake. No delicious appetizers. Only control.
Then I got home, took a nap, and woke up ravenous. No, I wasn't even that hungry, just felt like I should eat. So I made some Kraft mac and cheese, AND ATE HALF THE BOX!!! AND FOLLOWED IT WITH TWO CHOCOLATE THINGS FROM THE WEDDING! I hate myself sometimes.... I was doing so well! Not eating when I could, restricting when I had to. WTF?! My intake for today is around 1200. Unacceptable. Yesterday's intake was less than half that. I took some laxi's today, so maybe I can ease some of the damage. P IS COMING HOME IN 10 DAYS AND I HAVE 6 POUNDS TO LOSE! I can't afford slips in control like this. I do ok when I fast, but when I start eating it's much harder to stop.
I'm going back to school in the morning, so I don't have to worry about eating to appease anyone. Being at home is so much harder, I don't know what I'm gonna do all summer. I realized today that I don't even like food that much anymore. I think that pizza-binge flipped a switch or something, and now all food makes me a little nauseous.
Weighed in at 130.6 this morning, but it was on my mom's scale so it's probably different. Obviously missed my 128-by-the-wedding goal; hopefully I can still get to 125 by the 12th...
Comments!
Ana Banana: I AM a hopeless romantic, and I know it's going to come back to bite me in the ass time and time again. But it also makes the happy times happier, so I think it's worth it. I've had my heart brutally ripped out once, so I know pain. But I know love, too. Can you have one without the other, really?
Charr: I've known P since sophomore year in high school, so 6ish years. We didn't get close until 2 years ago, then we got REALLY close last summer (if you know what I mean!) He's a truly decent person, and I find those increasingly hard to come by
p.s. Does anyone know how to link your Flickr account to the slideshow gadget? Mine won't work for some reason...
Friday, April 30, 2010
everybody everybody wants to love... everybody everybody wants to be loved...
Ok I'm sick of Skins. Cassie is an annoying twerp.
But I didn't eat anything all day long. Except 1 celery stalk at dinner, but it takes more energy to digest celery than it provides, so it doesn't even count really.
It scares me how fast I'm falling for P. I don't want end up in the same pattern that happened before with D, where I fell hard and fast for him and he changed his mind. We're taking our time and talking it out from every angle before we make any decisions. But at the end of the day, I love him and he doesn't know how he feels...
Comments!
Ana Banana: yes that's exactly it, I want to be my best for him. And congrats on the french fry resistance!
Scarlet: I'm back with a vengeance! haha We can do it!
JENNY: thank you so much love! I can't believe that I inspire someone!
Charr: thank you for lookin out for me! Goodness knows I should do it more :z But I would trust P with my life and I know he's not a jerk. He just likes pretty girls... don't we all?
I love you all- the support means a ton
<3
But I didn't eat anything all day long. Except 1 celery stalk at dinner, but it takes more energy to digest celery than it provides, so it doesn't even count really.
It scares me how fast I'm falling for P. I don't want end up in the same pattern that happened before with D, where I fell hard and fast for him and he changed his mind. We're taking our time and talking it out from every angle before we make any decisions. But at the end of the day, I love him and he doesn't know how he feels...
Comments!
Ana Banana: yes that's exactly it, I want to be my best for him. And congrats on the french fry resistance!
Scarlet: I'm back with a vengeance! haha We can do it!
JENNY: thank you so much love! I can't believe that I inspire someone!
Charr: thank you for lookin out for me! Goodness knows I should do it more :z But I would trust P with my life and I know he's not a jerk. He just likes pretty girls... don't we all?
I love you all- the support means a ton
<3
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Hazy
This must be what it's like when your body starts eating itself. I'm running on nothing but caffeine. I'm cold and tired but it's like a weird high that I'm riding... I love being hungry. I love that my body is fueling itself. I love that I'm burning fat by just sitting here.
I've had 20 calories today, and it's all been Crystal Light. I'll have to eat dinner, but I'm hoping they'll have good soup today. I can fake stress-induced nausea since it's so close to finals.
Discovered the wonder that is Skins last night. I can relate to so many of the season 1 cast it's ridiculous. I'm PMSing so I was reduced to tears several times by watching a bunch of teenagers trot around Bristol living bits and pieces of my life. I watched the entire season. (slightly shameful, but I'm not ashamed. It gave me the strength for today's fast)
I was 132 this morning. And here's why: I ate an entire pizza yesterday.
Did you get that? I ate a whole fucking pizza by myself IN ONE SITTING. And then I couldn't even purge it. And then I cried.
Today's fast was supposed to be punishment (I'm trying not to eat (and abuse my diet pills)until the wedding on Saturday) but I feel so guilty because I'm loving this feeling.
But I am loving this feeling. I think I'm going to boycott food altogether.
Like Cassie.
I've had 20 calories today, and it's all been Crystal Light. I'll have to eat dinner, but I'm hoping they'll have good soup today. I can fake stress-induced nausea since it's so close to finals.
Discovered the wonder that is Skins last night. I can relate to so many of the season 1 cast it's ridiculous. I'm PMSing so I was reduced to tears several times by watching a bunch of teenagers trot around Bristol living bits and pieces of my life. I watched the entire season. (slightly shameful, but I'm not ashamed. It gave me the strength for today's fast)
I was 132 this morning. And here's why: I ate an entire pizza yesterday.
Did you get that? I ate a whole fucking pizza by myself IN ONE SITTING. And then I couldn't even purge it. And then I cried.
Today's fast was supposed to be punishment (I'm trying not to eat (and abuse my diet pills)until the wedding on Saturday) but I feel so guilty because I'm loving this feeling.
But I am loving this feeling. I think I'm going to boycott food altogether.
Like Cassie.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
"Oh, and also, I'm wretchedly in love with you"
Lots of things on my mind today. Not a lot of things, I suppose, but a few things that are taking up most of my concentration.
1. Liquid fast ended well yesterday. Had veggie soup for dinner, and I'm counting that as a liquid because veggies don't count for anything. So approx 550 calories for the day. Success.
2. Weighed in this morning at 130.8! 128 by Saturday is looking more and more plausible.
3. Liquid fast day 2 never even started. I had 2 eggs for breakfast and a protein bar for lunch. I'm not too upset about it though, since today's total so far is still only 330. It's probably better for my metabolism anyway, keep it from thinking it's starving. I'm going to jazzercise tonight, so I'll probably have a normal amount of calories for dinner so I don't pass out
4. I can't get P out of my head. Literally impossible. Every dream I had last night was about him, and I've been thinking about him all day. I'm absolutely head over heels for this boy, and a week ago I didn't even realize that I was in love with him...
5. I had another loooong talk with P last night about us. He said if I could stop being such a debbie downer, and get back to how fit I was in high school, that would be his "ideal". He thinks I could be ideal. That of course means that I'm not currently ideal, but of course I already knew that. And the things he wants are the things I'm already working towards.
6. My new goal is 122 by May 12th (When P gets home). If he can see how much weight I've lost, he'll know I can change. So: skinny and optimistic by May 12th! I lost 3 pounds last week with very minimal self control, so I'm confident.
7. Look at the abundance of followers!!!!
-Transparent Beauty: Welcome welcome my dear!
-Scarlet: sorry I fell off the liquid fast train! I'll get back on tomorrow, promise! Are you holding up well?
-Charr: my trick to liquid fasting is lots of protein (skim milk, soymilk and the occasional protein shake) otherwise I just get ravenous and eat everything in sight!
1. Liquid fast ended well yesterday. Had veggie soup for dinner, and I'm counting that as a liquid because veggies don't count for anything. So approx 550 calories for the day. Success.
2. Weighed in this morning at 130.8! 128 by Saturday is looking more and more plausible.
3. Liquid fast day 2 never even started. I had 2 eggs for breakfast and a protein bar for lunch. I'm not too upset about it though, since today's total so far is still only 330. It's probably better for my metabolism anyway, keep it from thinking it's starving. I'm going to jazzercise tonight, so I'll probably have a normal amount of calories for dinner so I don't pass out
4. I can't get P out of my head. Literally impossible. Every dream I had last night was about him, and I've been thinking about him all day. I'm absolutely head over heels for this boy, and a week ago I didn't even realize that I was in love with him...
5. I had another loooong talk with P last night about us. He said if I could stop being such a debbie downer, and get back to how fit I was in high school, that would be his "ideal". He thinks I could be ideal. That of course means that I'm not currently ideal, but of course I already knew that. And the things he wants are the things I'm already working towards.
6. My new goal is 122 by May 12th (When P gets home). If he can see how much weight I've lost, he'll know I can change. So: skinny and optimistic by May 12th! I lost 3 pounds last week with very minimal self control, so I'm confident.
7. Look at the abundance of followers!!!!
-Transparent Beauty: Welcome welcome my dear!
-Scarlet: sorry I fell off the liquid fast train! I'll get back on tomorrow, promise! Are you holding up well?
-Charr: my trick to liquid fasting is lots of protein (skim milk, soymilk and the occasional protein shake) otherwise I just get ravenous and eat everything in sight!
Monday, April 26, 2010
insert creative title here
Followers I've been neglecting you! I apologize profusely.
Life has been so riddled with drama these past few days that I couldn't even handle it. I stayed up all night to get my paper done, but successfully avoided eating by keeping a protein shake close at hand. My liquid fast started at midnight since I haven't slept, and I've had 470 calories since then (protein shake an a veggie/fruit juicebox). I'm hungry again and I love it.
132.4 this morning. I lost 2.6 pounds last week, even with my fettuccine alfredo binge on Wednesday AND my shameful drunken eat-everything-in-sight binge on Saturday, so maybe the laxis worked better than I thought. I absolutely need to get to 125 by May 12th, and hopefully 128 by May 1st. Yes I know that's 4.4 pounds by Saturday. But I'm going to a close friend's wedding and pictures will be taken... NO ROOM FOR BINGING! This week should be considerably less stressful, so hopefully I can stick to the plan, and workout a few extra times.
Anyone liquid fasting this week with me?
Comments as promised!
-Charr: Thank you for the birthday wishes and the continued support! It matters so much that someone actually listens to me sometimes :)
-Charlie: I KNOW there are 3 billion men in the world, but I want this one! haha Isn't that always the case?
-JENNY: I can't even fathom how someone could be jealous of me, it's very flattering, so thank you :)
-thin1: Welcome and thanks for following me!!
Life has been so riddled with drama these past few days that I couldn't even handle it. I stayed up all night to get my paper done, but successfully avoided eating by keeping a protein shake close at hand. My liquid fast started at midnight since I haven't slept, and I've had 470 calories since then (protein shake an a veggie/fruit juicebox). I'm hungry again and I love it.
132.4 this morning. I lost 2.6 pounds last week, even with my fettuccine alfredo binge on Wednesday AND my shameful drunken eat-everything-in-sight binge on Saturday, so maybe the laxis worked better than I thought. I absolutely need to get to 125 by May 12th, and hopefully 128 by May 1st. Yes I know that's 4.4 pounds by Saturday. But I'm going to a close friend's wedding and pictures will be taken... NO ROOM FOR BINGING! This week should be considerably less stressful, so hopefully I can stick to the plan, and workout a few extra times.
Anyone liquid fasting this week with me?
Comments as promised!
-Charr: Thank you for the birthday wishes and the continued support! It matters so much that someone actually listens to me sometimes :)
-Charlie: I KNOW there are 3 billion men in the world, but I want this one! haha Isn't that always the case?
-JENNY: I can't even fathom how someone could be jealous of me, it's very flattering, so thank you :)
-thin1: Welcome and thanks for following me!!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Venting
I'm trying to write a paper that's due tomorrow and I can't even think straight because I have so much going on in my head. So this is my attempt to get it all out and organized in some form or another so I can stop thinking about it for a while.
1. I had a long chat with P today about the meaning of my drunk text. I could have, and maybe should have, played it off like "oh I tell everyone I love them when I'm drunk, don't worry about it, it didn't mean anything". But I didn't. I told him that I meant it and I want a relationship with him and that I crave commitment from him. I even told him that I have this recurring dream about us getting married and having kids and living happily ever after. I think I subconsciously wanted to scare him away, because I was pretty sure he was going to reject me and I didn't want it to be because he doesn't like me. So apparently I would rather he think I was crazy than have him tell me he just doesn't like me that way. Awesome. Maybe I am crazy.
2. I proceeded to tell D about the conversation I had with P. Have I mentioned D before? He is my ex boyfriend: we dated for 2.5 years, then he left me because he didn't love me anymore. I was absolutely devastated because I was 100% sure we were getting married. It's been 2 years since we broke up and we're still really close. I'll post the full story some other time. So anyway, I told D about P, then told P what D said. P flipped a shit. D doesn't approve of me and P and P was NOT happy about it. Oops. Just when I'm trying to convince him that dating me is a good idea, I piss him off. Good plan, idiot.
3. I really do love P and I can't stop thinking about it. That picture of us at some unknown future date walking in the park swinging 2 kids in between us is forever burned into my brain and it won't go away. Fairy tales don't come true, red, stop obsessing.
4. I've been so bad today. I wrote breakfast off because I needed food in my stomach to ease the hangover. But I did NOT need 2 pancakes with syrup, hash browns, orange juice and a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The cereal alone would have sufficed. Then I had some celery with peanut butter around 3, and for dinner I ate 2 pieces of pizza and a ham and cheese sandwich with pickles. Oh and a banana. THEN I had a floor meeting tonight and donuts were provided... obvs that happened. Worse things have happened than one glazed donut, but on top of the day I've had it was kind of miserable.
5. I'm liquid fasting tomorrow (and for as much of the week as possible), who wants to join me?!
6. I REALLY don't want to write this paper and it's dragging me down into a pit of depression. Honestly it's only one paper (even if it is 15 pages) and I shouldn't be reacting like this. Just write it and get it over with, no need to make it more miserable than it already is.
7. Someone please tell me I'm not as crazy as I feel right now...
1. I had a long chat with P today about the meaning of my drunk text. I could have, and maybe should have, played it off like "oh I tell everyone I love them when I'm drunk, don't worry about it, it didn't mean anything". But I didn't. I told him that I meant it and I want a relationship with him and that I crave commitment from him. I even told him that I have this recurring dream about us getting married and having kids and living happily ever after. I think I subconsciously wanted to scare him away, because I was pretty sure he was going to reject me and I didn't want it to be because he doesn't like me. So apparently I would rather he think I was crazy than have him tell me he just doesn't like me that way. Awesome. Maybe I am crazy.
2. I proceeded to tell D about the conversation I had with P. Have I mentioned D before? He is my ex boyfriend: we dated for 2.5 years, then he left me because he didn't love me anymore. I was absolutely devastated because I was 100% sure we were getting married. It's been 2 years since we broke up and we're still really close. I'll post the full story some other time. So anyway, I told D about P, then told P what D said. P flipped a shit. D doesn't approve of me and P and P was NOT happy about it. Oops. Just when I'm trying to convince him that dating me is a good idea, I piss him off. Good plan, idiot.
3. I really do love P and I can't stop thinking about it. That picture of us at some unknown future date walking in the park swinging 2 kids in between us is forever burned into my brain and it won't go away. Fairy tales don't come true, red, stop obsessing.
4. I've been so bad today. I wrote breakfast off because I needed food in my stomach to ease the hangover. But I did NOT need 2 pancakes with syrup, hash browns, orange juice and a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The cereal alone would have sufficed. Then I had some celery with peanut butter around 3, and for dinner I ate 2 pieces of pizza and a ham and cheese sandwich with pickles. Oh and a banana. THEN I had a floor meeting tonight and donuts were provided... obvs that happened. Worse things have happened than one glazed donut, but on top of the day I've had it was kind of miserable.
5. I'm liquid fasting tomorrow (and for as much of the week as possible), who wants to join me?!
6. I REALLY don't want to write this paper and it's dragging me down into a pit of depression. Honestly it's only one paper (even if it is 15 pages) and I shouldn't be reacting like this. Just write it and get it over with, no need to make it more miserable than it already is.
7. Someone please tell me I'm not as crazy as I feel right now...
all aboard the tragedy train
i just turned 21 and my roommate decided it was necessary to go bar hopping last night. i was so tired i didn't even want to go, but we pre-gamed hard so i lost all argumentative skills :/
as soon as i get a drop of alcohol in me, i start binging. last night i ate:
1 personal cheese pizza
1 medium cake batter ice cream from coldstone
1 pineapple fruit cup
1 rice bowl thing
23 runts
6 triscuts
1 little bag of bbq potato chips
2 hot dogs (with bun and grilled mozzarella)
1 bag of kettle korn
holy fucking shit. i lost 4 pounds this week and i ate it all back last night. i'm terrified to go get on the scale. granted, having food in my stomach is probably what saved me from the massive hangover i was sure was coming but didn't. but i almost wish i was nauseous so i could throw up all that SHIT.
on a different note, i drunk texted P last night and told him i loved him. fml.
FML
as soon as i get a drop of alcohol in me, i start binging. last night i ate:
1 personal cheese pizza
1 medium cake batter ice cream from coldstone
1 pineapple fruit cup
1 rice bowl thing
23 runts
6 triscuts
1 little bag of bbq potato chips
2 hot dogs (with bun and grilled mozzarella)
1 bag of kettle korn
holy fucking shit. i lost 4 pounds this week and i ate it all back last night. i'm terrified to go get on the scale. granted, having food in my stomach is probably what saved me from the massive hangover i was sure was coming but didn't. but i almost wish i was nauseous so i could throw up all that SHIT.
on a different note, i drunk texted P last night and told him i loved him. fml.
FML
Friday, April 23, 2010
oh and by the way, i adore you.
had half a protein bar this morning, the other half for lunch. 180 total calories. yessssss :)
also weighed in this morning... 131.4!!!! i'm down 3.6 pounds in 5 days. that alone is giving me so much strength to continue. i can do it!
and it's friday.
and i have 2 followers! i love you guys!
i'm in a good mood, and it feels so bizzare
also weighed in this morning... 131.4!!!! i'm down 3.6 pounds in 5 days. that alone is giving me so much strength to continue. i can do it!
and it's friday.
and i have 2 followers! i love you guys!
i'm in a good mood, and it feels so bizzare
dear diary...
please feel free to skip over this post completely as it will be nothing but me venting, ranting, and trying to figure out what to do about P. i promise i will not be offended if you ignore me completely, just this once ;)
we had a great conversation tonight. we try to be as straightforward with each other as possible; even though it can be harsh sometimes, it's easier and reduces drama. he told me (after some prodding) that he is in fact attracted to me, and that he wouldn't have fooled around with me in the first place if he wasn't.
P: "what, you thought i just did what i did for shits and giggles? did you really think there was no physical attraction at all? i wouldn't have done the things i did if i wasn't attracted to you."
me: "yes i really did think that"
P: "honestly, there are some things i'd hope you would change, but that's up to you"
me: "everything?"
P: "no of course not. haven't we been over this?"
me: "no i don't think we have"
so we went over it. he thinks i have a nice ass and he likes my hair AND he is "perfectly content" when i'm in his arms. but he loves me the way he thinks he should feel about his family but doesn't (convoluted, isn't it?) he doesn't know what love is, so he doesn't say it. the only 2 things keeping him from wanting a "real" relationship with me are my overall pessimism and me being a fat lazy ass (no he didn't actually say it that meanly).
he's attracted to me. i believe him when he says that he is, but i don't understand it. and he really and truly cares about me. very straightforward. so why is it so damn complicated?
i would do anything in the world for this boy, and it's making me question some of my fundamental values. do i really want to be thin and pretty and active and optimistic, or do i want to be what he wants? seems obvious, of course i want those things. i want them for me, i want to be happy. is it fate that that is what he wants, too? or am i so desperate that i'll change everything about me for a boy. better yet, do my motivations matter, in the end? isn't it better to be happy, no matter the reason?
yes. i think so. so i'll keep at it, and maybe he'll come to his senses. maybe.
we had a great conversation tonight. we try to be as straightforward with each other as possible; even though it can be harsh sometimes, it's easier and reduces drama. he told me (after some prodding) that he is in fact attracted to me, and that he wouldn't have fooled around with me in the first place if he wasn't.
P: "what, you thought i just did what i did for shits and giggles? did you really think there was no physical attraction at all? i wouldn't have done the things i did if i wasn't attracted to you."
me: "yes i really did think that"
P: "honestly, there are some things i'd hope you would change, but that's up to you"
me: "everything?"
P: "no of course not. haven't we been over this?"
me: "no i don't think we have"
so we went over it. he thinks i have a nice ass and he likes my hair AND he is "perfectly content" when i'm in his arms. but he loves me the way he thinks he should feel about his family but doesn't (convoluted, isn't it?) he doesn't know what love is, so he doesn't say it. the only 2 things keeping him from wanting a "real" relationship with me are my overall pessimism and me being a fat lazy ass (no he didn't actually say it that meanly).
he's attracted to me. i believe him when he says that he is, but i don't understand it. and he really and truly cares about me. very straightforward. so why is it so damn complicated?
i would do anything in the world for this boy, and it's making me question some of my fundamental values. do i really want to be thin and pretty and active and optimistic, or do i want to be what he wants? seems obvious, of course i want those things. i want them for me, i want to be happy. is it fate that that is what he wants, too? or am i so desperate that i'll change everything about me for a boy. better yet, do my motivations matter, in the end? isn't it better to be happy, no matter the reason?
yes. i think so. so i'll keep at it, and maybe he'll come to his senses. maybe.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
to answer my own question...
so now what do i do?
i starve.
because maybe if P can see a pretty, skinny version of me, then he can see that i'm everything else he is looking for, too.
thin = happy, and P wants both of those things.
I want both of those things. desperately.
liquid fasting again today, and so far so good. i've been awake for 11 hours and i've had a little bit of protein shake and half of a soy milk: 250 calories. and 4 diet pills (i swear i only take them for the caffeine since i don't like coffee).
i love this feeling. i'm hungry, but i'm not giving in. i'm winning. for once in my life i'm finally winning the battle between me and my (lack of) self control.
update:
fruit snacks and a milky way ruined my day. 740 total intake but i gave in to the sugar. damnit.
time to step back for perspective.
i'm down 18 pounds from august. 18 pounds on a 5 foot frame is significant, right? not really... i'm a little bit less fat, but still fat. ugh.
hurray for charlie- my first follower and commenter!!! thank you for the support my dear, it means a lot
<3
i starve.
because maybe if P can see a pretty, skinny version of me, then he can see that i'm everything else he is looking for, too.
thin = happy, and P wants both of those things.
I want both of those things. desperately.
liquid fasting again today, and so far so good. i've been awake for 11 hours and i've had a little bit of protein shake and half of a soy milk: 250 calories. and 4 diet pills (i swear i only take them for the caffeine since i don't like coffee).
i love this feeling. i'm hungry, but i'm not giving in. i'm winning. for once in my life i'm finally winning the battle between me and my (lack of) self control.
update:
fruit snacks and a milky way ruined my day. 740 total intake but i gave in to the sugar. damnit.
time to step back for perspective.
i'm down 18 pounds from august. 18 pounds on a 5 foot frame is significant, right? not really... i'm a little bit less fat, but still fat. ugh.
hurray for charlie- my first follower and commenter!!! thank you for the support my dear, it means a lot
<3
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
so there's this boy...
i had a horrible food day and i don't even want to acknowledge what i ate so i'm skipping over that part of today's post.
so there's this boy...
he's kind of the reason for my existence. i realized very early this morning that i can't pretend i'm not in love with him anymore, because i most definitely am in love with him. he's my best friend in the whole world, we've been friends for years, and i'm like 60% sure he doesn't feel the same way.
he says things like "i like you unconditionally, always remember that" and "i care about you more than i care about my family" which in my book equates to love, just not the romantic kind. but he has never said "the L word" in my presence.
his name is P, and he is not exactly what i pictured for myself. he's tall and very skinny (he's a distance runner...) short sandy hair, amazing gray-blue eyes, and the softest skin. he doesn't wear cologne or anything, but he smells amazing all the time. he is perpetually happy (an optimist) and kind of reminds me of a golden retriever. he cracks awful jokes at every opportunity, and he has an uncanny ability to make me happy. truly happy.
i love him and i never saw it coming.
he's a military man. he's in AFROTC at the moment and he's commissioning in the fall. he will be moving around the country for 18 months while he trains to be a pilot, then moving every 3 years for the rest of his career. And he'll probably be deployed for 18+ months on more than one occasion. that's not what i want in a husband or a father to my children.
BUT
he will be making enough money to support a family, so i would be able to stay home and raise the kids, which is what i want. family is the most important thing, and we agree on that. we agree on everything about our hypothetical future life together.
but he doesn't want me.
he's kind of shallow: he likes tall skinny pretty girls, and i'm short chubby and ugly. how could he ever be attracted to me? we've fooled around, but i'm always extremely self-conscious about it because i know that he is not attracted to me.
he's coming home in 3 weeks. i haven't seen him since january.
i woke up this morning half expecting him to be in my bed, asleep flat on his stomach with one arm around me and a pillow over his head. it's adorable the way he sleeps. :) i actually hit snooze and went back to sleep just so i could see if he would be there when i woke up again. he wasn't. of course he wasn't. he's 1000 miles away, and i haven't woken up next to him in months.
of course i'm in love with him. how could i not see it?
so now what do i do?
so there's this boy...
he's kind of the reason for my existence. i realized very early this morning that i can't pretend i'm not in love with him anymore, because i most definitely am in love with him. he's my best friend in the whole world, we've been friends for years, and i'm like 60% sure he doesn't feel the same way.
he says things like "i like you unconditionally, always remember that" and "i care about you more than i care about my family" which in my book equates to love, just not the romantic kind. but he has never said "the L word" in my presence.
his name is P, and he is not exactly what i pictured for myself. he's tall and very skinny (he's a distance runner...) short sandy hair, amazing gray-blue eyes, and the softest skin. he doesn't wear cologne or anything, but he smells amazing all the time. he is perpetually happy (an optimist) and kind of reminds me of a golden retriever. he cracks awful jokes at every opportunity, and he has an uncanny ability to make me happy. truly happy.
i love him and i never saw it coming.
he's a military man. he's in AFROTC at the moment and he's commissioning in the fall. he will be moving around the country for 18 months while he trains to be a pilot, then moving every 3 years for the rest of his career. And he'll probably be deployed for 18+ months on more than one occasion. that's not what i want in a husband or a father to my children.
BUT
he will be making enough money to support a family, so i would be able to stay home and raise the kids, which is what i want. family is the most important thing, and we agree on that. we agree on everything about our hypothetical future life together.
but he doesn't want me.
he's kind of shallow: he likes tall skinny pretty girls, and i'm short chubby and ugly. how could he ever be attracted to me? we've fooled around, but i'm always extremely self-conscious about it because i know that he is not attracted to me.
he's coming home in 3 weeks. i haven't seen him since january.
i woke up this morning half expecting him to be in my bed, asleep flat on his stomach with one arm around me and a pillow over his head. it's adorable the way he sleeps. :) i actually hit snooze and went back to sleep just so i could see if he would be there when i woke up again. he wasn't. of course he wasn't. he's 1000 miles away, and i haven't woken up next to him in months.
of course i'm in love with him. how could i not see it?
so now what do i do?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
myself
i've seen this on many blogs and decided it would be good for you guys to get to know me
Size: 6
Age: 21
Height: 5'2"
Highest Weight: 145 lbs
Lowest Weight: 128 lbs
Current Weight: 136
Goal Weight: 118
Favorite Diet Food?
Apple slices
Favorite Binge Food?
chocolate, fruit snacks
Favorite Exercise?
jazzercise!
Thinspiration?
my skin-and-bones best friend/boyfriendish
What Makes You Slip Up?
anxiety attacks induce binges without fail
What Makes You Strong?
watching the numbers on the scale go down
When Did It Start?
i've been dieting my whole life, but just recently it's gotten a little out of hand
Does Anyone Know?
hell no.
Do You Want Help?
i want to be happy, but i want to get there by myself.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
i'm trying for 600, but rarely achieve that.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
a fat ass with pale blotchy skin a huge gut and lumpy thighs. i like my hair though...
Are You In A Relationship?
kind of. i'm fooling around with my best friend, but there's no commitment... yet.
Is It For Attention?
no, i don't want anyone to notice. i want to be skinny and pretty.
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
i'm in the middle, but i'm a whale compared to T and P
Are You Depressed?
yes. i'm on meds. some days they work and some days they don't.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
yes. first when i was 13 then again at 15 (twice) 17 and 18. not for years though.
Ever Been To A Psychologist?
once every 9 weeks.
Are You On Any Medication?
celexa
I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[x] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[ ] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[ ] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegetarian (i plan to be when i live on my own)
PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[ ] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[ ] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[ ] have tried to stop me
I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
[x] I had a boy/girlfriend (wish i had that commitment that i'm craving)
[ ] I could disappear
I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[ ] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
I HATE -
[x] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[x] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[x] fat people
I NEED -
[x] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[x] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] less bingeing
[x] more water
[ ] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[ ] to lose 10 lbs
Size: 6
Age: 21
Height: 5'2"
Highest Weight: 145 lbs
Lowest Weight: 128 lbs
Current Weight: 136
Goal Weight: 118
Favorite Diet Food?
Apple slices
Favorite Binge Food?
chocolate, fruit snacks
Favorite Exercise?
jazzercise!
Thinspiration?
my skin-and-bones best friend/boyfriendish
What Makes You Slip Up?
anxiety attacks induce binges without fail
What Makes You Strong?
watching the numbers on the scale go down
When Did It Start?
i've been dieting my whole life, but just recently it's gotten a little out of hand
Does Anyone Know?
hell no.
Do You Want Help?
i want to be happy, but i want to get there by myself.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
i'm trying for 600, but rarely achieve that.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
a fat ass with pale blotchy skin a huge gut and lumpy thighs. i like my hair though...
Are You In A Relationship?
kind of. i'm fooling around with my best friend, but there's no commitment... yet.
Is It For Attention?
no, i don't want anyone to notice. i want to be skinny and pretty.
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
i'm in the middle, but i'm a whale compared to T and P
Are You Depressed?
yes. i'm on meds. some days they work and some days they don't.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
yes. first when i was 13 then again at 15 (twice) 17 and 18. not for years though.
Ever Been To A Psychologist?
once every 9 weeks.
Are You On Any Medication?
celexa
I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[x] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[ ] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[ ] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegetarian (i plan to be when i live on my own)
PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[ ] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[ ] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[ ] have tried to stop me
I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
[x] I had a boy/girlfriend (wish i had that commitment that i'm craving)
[ ] I could disappear
I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[ ] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
I HATE -
[x] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[x] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[x] fat people
I NEED -
[x] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[x] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] less bingeing
[x] more water
[ ] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[ ] to lose 10 lbs
The good, the bad, and the ugly
The good: I weighed in at 131.6 this morning... I'm down 3.4 pounds from yesterday!!!
The good: Day 2 of the liquid fast has begun and I feel pretty good.
The good: I'm going to Jazzercise again today- 400 calories burned in one hour!
The bad: I have a headache that's on the verge of becoming a migraine, so I'm stuck in bed until it my meds kick in.
The bad: I missed a huge exam this morning that I'll have to make up tomorrow.
The bad: I don't think I'll be able to skip dinner tonight with my roomates, so the liquid fast may come to an early end.
The ugly: My stomach. My love handles are all stretch-marked and fat and I look like I have a beer belly. My torso is just too short for me to be this fat
The ugly: My thighs. I have this pocket of fat on my inner thighs and it's so awful. The back of my thighs are absolutely covered in cellulite and I'm so pale that it draws your attention like a neon sign: shorts are off limits until I hit 125.
Goal number 1: I'll never have a flat stomach but I would like to not look like I'm pregnant.
Goal number 2: I want to stand with my feet together and not have my thighs touching.
Goal number 3: I want my hipbones and shoulder blade to stick out- that's where the neon sign should be.
I'll update later
LATER
"hate is a strong word, but i really really really don't like you"
i hate myself right now. HATE.
my liquid fast lasted until dinner when i gladly ate that damned chicken chow mein.
i wasn't even hungry all day.
yesterday's fast completely stopped my metabolism, so eating dinner today was necessary anyway: hey body, hello, it's your owner. start working again please.
then came the binge.
i wasn't even hungry, i just wanted to eat.
and eat i did.
3 servings of pretzels, a hershey bar, 4 reese's cups, apples and peanut butter, and a milky way caramel. with dinner, it was a 1650 calorie binge.
unacceptable.
then came the purge.
i threw up once and took 3 laxatives.
then came this intense hatred of myself.
why did i binge in the first place?
why why WHY?
P is coming home in 3 weeks and i need to be under 125 by then. i'll never make it at this rate.
WHY?
tomorrow is my birthday and my parents are coming to take me to dinner. they will buy me a drink and dessert. maybe i can get away with having a salad.
regardless, tomorrow will be a waste.
so i needed to be good today.
i felt sooooo good yesterday when i didn't eat.
wtf?
and, to top it all off, i have a 5 page draft due at 4 tomorrow that i haven't started... i think i'm just going to take some sleeping pills and ptfo. i'll get up early tomorrow to do the paper. hopefully i'll be in a better mood...
The good: Day 2 of the liquid fast has begun and I feel pretty good.
The good: I'm going to Jazzercise again today- 400 calories burned in one hour!
The bad: I have a headache that's on the verge of becoming a migraine, so I'm stuck in bed until it my meds kick in.
The bad: I missed a huge exam this morning that I'll have to make up tomorrow.
The bad: I don't think I'll be able to skip dinner tonight with my roomates, so the liquid fast may come to an early end.
The ugly: My stomach. My love handles are all stretch-marked and fat and I look like I have a beer belly. My torso is just too short for me to be this fat
The ugly: My thighs. I have this pocket of fat on my inner thighs and it's so awful. The back of my thighs are absolutely covered in cellulite and I'm so pale that it draws your attention like a neon sign: shorts are off limits until I hit 125.
Goal number 1: I'll never have a flat stomach but I would like to not look like I'm pregnant.
Goal number 2: I want to stand with my feet together and not have my thighs touching.
Goal number 3: I want my hipbones and shoulder blade to stick out- that's where the neon sign should be.
I'll update later
LATER
"hate is a strong word, but i really really really don't like you"
i hate myself right now. HATE.
my liquid fast lasted until dinner when i gladly ate that damned chicken chow mein.
i wasn't even hungry all day.
yesterday's fast completely stopped my metabolism, so eating dinner today was necessary anyway: hey body, hello, it's your owner. start working again please.
then came the binge.
i wasn't even hungry, i just wanted to eat.
and eat i did.
3 servings of pretzels, a hershey bar, 4 reese's cups, apples and peanut butter, and a milky way caramel. with dinner, it was a 1650 calorie binge.
unacceptable.
then came the purge.
i threw up once and took 3 laxatives.
then came this intense hatred of myself.
why did i binge in the first place?
why why WHY?
P is coming home in 3 weeks and i need to be under 125 by then. i'll never make it at this rate.
WHY?
tomorrow is my birthday and my parents are coming to take me to dinner. they will buy me a drink and dessert. maybe i can get away with having a salad.
regardless, tomorrow will be a waste.
so i needed to be good today.
i felt sooooo good yesterday when i didn't eat.
wtf?
and, to top it all off, i have a 5 page draft due at 4 tomorrow that i haven't started... i think i'm just going to take some sleeping pills and ptfo. i'll get up early tomorrow to do the paper. hopefully i'll be in a better mood...
Monday, April 19, 2010
it's a beautiful day...
i'm actually feeling good today. had a soymilk this morning, partly to make my metabolism think i was going to feed it today, and partly to get rid of that handful-of-pills-on-an-empty-stomach nausea. had to fudge on my liquid fast a little bit at lunch since i was eating with friends, but it was only soup, and i didn't eat it all. it's 1:30 and i've only had 300 calories. i'll skip dinner to go to jazzercise and maybe have another soymilk to keep me going. i took 2 slimquick pills this morning and 2 more at lunch. i'm not expecting them to work as "diet pills" but i'm loving the caffeine sans calories. i've only had 40-some ounces of water today so far: not nearly enough, especially because that soup was probably choc-full of salt.
i should find out this week if i got that internship at the national weather service for the summer- the anxiety is killing me. at this point i don't even care if i get it or not, i just want to know one way or the other! the government can be so pokey... if i might have to move across the country in 3 weeks, i'd like to know ASAP...
i'll update later
UPDATE
today's liquid fast was a resounding success (except for the soup). I had about 1/3 cup of chocolate milk before jazzercise and a small apple juice around 10. 530 total calories and 400 burned at jazzercise. ladies, if you want an efficient workout jazzercise is what's up- it's intense cardio and muscle toning all at the same time. i was able to avoid the blood sugar crashes today by not letting my blood sugar raise in the first place. no crash, just hunger. bliss. i'm down 1.6 pounds from this morning, hopefully i can loose that extra 0.4 overnight. i NEED to lose 15 pounds by may 12th. i'm currently 133.4 pounds. fat fat fat. healthy for my height is 118. ugggggggggh. but today was a success and hopefully i can continue tomorrow.
i should find out this week if i got that internship at the national weather service for the summer- the anxiety is killing me. at this point i don't even care if i get it or not, i just want to know one way or the other! the government can be so pokey... if i might have to move across the country in 3 weeks, i'd like to know ASAP...
i'll update later
UPDATE
today's liquid fast was a resounding success (except for the soup). I had about 1/3 cup of chocolate milk before jazzercise and a small apple juice around 10. 530 total calories and 400 burned at jazzercise. ladies, if you want an efficient workout jazzercise is what's up- it's intense cardio and muscle toning all at the same time. i was able to avoid the blood sugar crashes today by not letting my blood sugar raise in the first place. no crash, just hunger. bliss. i'm down 1.6 pounds from this morning, hopefully i can loose that extra 0.4 overnight. i NEED to lose 15 pounds by may 12th. i'm currently 133.4 pounds. fat fat fat. healthy for my height is 118. ugggggggggh. but today was a success and hopefully i can continue tomorrow.
What a disaster
today was a fucking joke. i made waffles this morning to appease my parents... i was planning to purge after breakfast so i ate as much as i could; 3 belgian waffles, butter, syrup, and a glass of orange juice. Probably 700 calories at BREAKFAST. i thoroughly enjoyed the first waffle, but the second and third were just painful. i felt nauseous because i was so full, so i wanted to purge almost immediately. i tried and tried... i just couldn't get it to come up! i was so fuckin angry i was crying... why the fuck can't i make myself throw up?
i desperately needed to get rid of those calories, so i took a bunch of laxatives to try to push it through my system... it was an uncomfortable day. i ate dinner with my parents (a small chicken breast grilled, half a cup of rice, a cup of broccoli and a fruit cup) then drove back to school. i got really hungry around 10 tonight so i put on some crest white strips so i couldn't eat. but i only made it half an hour before my blood sugar bottomed out and i ate a handful of pretzels and an apple. how do i make it through a blood sugar crash? hunger i can handle. i actually like it: if my stomach is growling, i'm burning fat. but when my blood sugar crashes i get absolutely ravenous and feel like i'm gonna ptfo... i haven't figured out how to handle that one yet...
today was absolutely miserable on so many levels... i think a liquid fast is in order for the next few days... as much water as i can possible consume, and maybe some light juice and soymilk if i'm feeling ok with the scale...
i desperately needed to get rid of those calories, so i took a bunch of laxatives to try to push it through my system... it was an uncomfortable day. i ate dinner with my parents (a small chicken breast grilled, half a cup of rice, a cup of broccoli and a fruit cup) then drove back to school. i got really hungry around 10 tonight so i put on some crest white strips so i couldn't eat. but i only made it half an hour before my blood sugar bottomed out and i ate a handful of pretzels and an apple. how do i make it through a blood sugar crash? hunger i can handle. i actually like it: if my stomach is growling, i'm burning fat. but when my blood sugar crashes i get absolutely ravenous and feel like i'm gonna ptfo... i haven't figured out how to handle that one yet...
today was absolutely miserable on so many levels... i think a liquid fast is in order for the next few days... as much water as i can possible consume, and maybe some light juice and soymilk if i'm feeling ok with the scale...
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Day 1
Started the day with a scrambled egg with a little cheddar, and a few sips of orange juice. I've made it 6 hours since eating and I'm starving. Hence the reason for starting the blog: I need a place to bitch and moan about being hungry, and maybe some support.
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