the good, the bad, and the ugly

P and I are officially dating :D

Good.


127.2 this morning. I'm confused. I think I need a new scale.

Bad.


Had a small bowl of Kashi with skim milk this morning. 200 cals. Not a liquid.

Ugly.


Juice fasting the rest of the day... 200 calories of good-for-you cereal isn't any reason to throw the rest of the day away. I'm going bikini shopping when I hit 125, and I have this one already picked out that I want. Hurray for goals/rewards/bribing yourself!


Charlie: Thank you for the confidence my dear! I know I can do it, too. I just have to kick myself in the arse to make sure it gets done!
Scarlet: The more the merrier! I think it's doable once I get myself on that routine. It's starting it that will be the hardest part I think.
Ana Banana: Water fasting completely screwed with my system from day 2 on. I'm hoping I can confuse my metabolism enough that I can avoid said screwing this time around ;) And I know me saying this won't change a damn thing, but you do NOT need to torture yourself to get what you want (says the one who tortures herself...) Ugh! Why do we keep coming back to this life?

#30

So sorry for the lack of posting and commenting. I haven't forgotten you guys, I've just been distracted.



Fasting went to hell in a hand basket the last few days...

Weighed 128.4 this morning. swliuhwaelbdfmngwbergsdfkjlfuck

I'm starting afresh today. Water fasting is too difficult to keep up for any length of time with my nonexistent will-power, so here's my new plan:
Water fast for one day
Liquid fast for one day (~500 cals)
Repeat until the scale reads 108


I think I can
I think I can
I think I can

Day 3

126.8 this morning. I'm not even excited about it because it isn't 125. And it isn't even close to 108.

I'm fasting till I hit 125, then I'll liquid fast for a few days, then just restrict. I hate this feeling. I have no energy whatsoever and I feel weak. I can't concentrate, I'm not interested in anything. My body is revolting.

No pain today- no heartburn, no cramps, no twisted up stomach. Is this ketosis?

P told me I was beautiful last night. He's never said that.





He also said he was too afraid of breaking my heart to date me.

Success!

Day 2 (yes I'm starting over since I ate on Sunday): 127.6!!!!!!!!!

This fasting thing is really something!

35 total calories yesterday (managed to skip the dinnertime shake) and I'm aiming for around 50 today. Vitamin chew isn't necessary I suppose, but I can't take my Celexa on an empty stomach... protein sips it is!

Starting to feel the effects, though. Yesterday was easier than I thought, once I discovered how much Tums helped :) I can tell today will be harder. I have no energy and I feel weak. But I CAN make it until ketosis, then it will be smooth sailing.

Seeing P last night was magical. I didn't even feel anything but butterflies at first, but it was a slow building thing- by the time I left (at 4:30 in the morning, mind you) I was just smug as a bug in a rug :)

Love:
Scarlet- What we're doing IS normal (or at least it will be!) I'm pro summer-long-fasting-of-some-type, this is like boot camp for that. But I didn't let you down yesterday! <3
Ana Banana- Cutting out the vitamins today, maybe it will make it easier? I can't stop taking my meds though... boo. <3

8 more hours

129.4 this morning, but I don't deserve it.
I deserve to be 300 pounds after that mess last night.
But today is a new day, and I trudge on...


3 sips of protein shake = 1 oz = 20 cals
1 vitamin chew = 15 cals

Once again I find myself at 35 calories in the early afternoon. I think I'll have 2-3 ounces of protein shake for "dinner" just so I don't binge tonight. (btw I love the Odwalla Chocolate Protein Monster shakes- it's just like chocolate milk!)

Any comments or tips about fasting? (particularly before ketosis kicks in? I think I need them...)

<3

Up with the sun

I have a confession to make.

I did SO WELL yesterday, only 35 calories. Until bedtime.

midnight binge:
apple pie- 300 cals
fruit cup- 90 cals
coffee cake- 100 cals
cheese spread- 80 cals
crackers- 130 cals
chips- 140 cals
2 cookies- 275 cals
binge total: 1115 calories


I ATE 1115 CALORIES IN 20 MINUTES!!!!!!!!!

I layed in bed and cried for a solid half hour. I don't deserve P. I wasn't even hungry, for god's sake, I just wanted to eat. I'm such a fat piece of lard. A whale. I can't look at myself in the mirror without seeing all the times I've tried to lose weight and failed. I'm still fat.

WHY CAN'T I GET MYSELF TO 108 FUCKING POUNDS?!?!?

WHY DON'T I HAVE ANY SELF CONTROL WHATSOEVER?!?!



WHY MUST I KEEP EATING, LIKE AN ADDICT THAT JUST WANTS ONE LAST HIT!?

I am an addict. I'm addicted to food, and it's dragging me down into a deep dark fat hole. I have to quit. But it seems I can't quit cold turkey. I'm just not strong enough...


Today's plan: I will trudge on in my fasting attempt, but if I feel the urge to binge, I will allow myself a few sips of protein shake or juice, and then I MUST WAIT 30 MINUTES BEFORE ALLOWING MYSELF TO EAT. Hopefully that will be enough time to get distracted or for the shake to make me strong enough to resist.

I, Red, do solemnly swear that I will wait 30 minutes after feeling the urge to ingest this poison we call food, before I give in to the weakness. I will do everything in my power to distract myself and motivate myself to continue. If I must give in to the urge, I promise to drink a full glass of water first, and to eat only raw foods, and to eat them slowly.

I will see P in 14 hours. Do you think that's enough time for a laxi purge...?

I'm so pathetic.

Comments:
Ana Banana- Somewhat surprisingly, nobody has ever called me ginger snap and I kind of love it :) And of course you can have my CW, heaven knows I don't want the damn thing anymore!
Scarlet- I failed miserably yesterday, but I won't let you down today. Water fast (at least liquid fast <100 cals...) We can do it!

Spring

Weighed in this morning at 130.6. Unacceptable.

In the spirit of spring and rejuvenation, I'm starting a one-week detox water fast. Not only do I need to drop pounds fast, I feel like absolute crap and I'm tired all the time. Maybe detoxing will help me out.

Thanks Ana Banana for your wonderful fasting site

Calories today so far: 0

Here are my goals:
Sunday: <100 calories, 129
Monday: 0 calories, 128 (P comes home!)
Tuesday: 0 calories, 127
Wednesday: 0 calories, 126
Thursday: 0 calories, 125 (I haven't weighed this since I was 14)
Friday: 0 calories, 124
Saturday: <100 calories, 123?
Sunday: <100 calories, 122??
Monday: <300 calories, maintain 122?

I think I may tell my mom I'm detoxing, just so she doesn't get suspicious when she sees that I'm not eating.

EDIT:
vitamin chew: 15 cals
propel: 20 cals (diluted to 40 oz water)
total so far: 35 cals

busy bee

Sorry I haven't been posting, but I had finals and moving out of my dorm and back home. I just read all 20something blog entries that I missed, don't worry!

I haven't been counting calories and it made me so anxious... I don't think I went over 1200 any day (which is wayyyy too much but I needed the energy and my uterus is currently controlling my appetite =/ I shouldn't gain on that, at any rate...)

Last time I weighed in I was 127.8, but then I got my period... I refuse to step on the scale when I'm bleeding because I know it's not accurate and it will just depress me to the point of binging, which is the opposite of helpful.

P comes home Monday night. Water fast Sunday and Monday, hopefully I can drop 2-3 more pounds by the time he sees me. 125?!?! Is it possible!?

I'm living at home again, which makes it difficult to not eat. I can probably skip breakfast and lunch without too much notice, but dinner is always necessary. Even if I only eat dinner every day, there's just no way I can get under 500 calories per day.

When P comes home, we have decided to start working out together (Eeeeek!) But he is all about fitness, and I'm down for anything that burns calories. I'm so nervous about him seeing how out of shape I am, though. I told him I want to start running, but I think we're mostly gonna be doing strength training (toning for me, building for him). His legs are 10 feet long and mine... are not. I doubt I could run with him anyway. We'll see. I hope he doesn't run in the other direction when he sees my legs jiggle when I run... :'(


I've been on this wedding kick lately... Watching "Say Yes to the Dress" a lot, picking out my ring and my dress, planning my wedding... No idea what that's about.

Also having a lot of pregnancy dreams... My subconscious apparently wants to get married and have a baby! I'm 21 years old and my biological clock is already ticking...

I miss P so much my chest literally aches. And it scares me. There's an applicable Twilight quote that pretty much describes my life right now: "I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew- knew it in the pit of my stomach, the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest- was how love gave someone the power to break you"

I guess this is the point where I tell you guys about D.

D was my high school sweetheart. We met freshman year (and hated each other- kind of funny) and ended up in the same group of friends sophomore year. We hung out a lot, talked a lot, and he asked me out one day. I had a huge crush on him so of course I said yes. It was like we were made for each other. This boy was everything I ever wanted: romantic, funny, honest, trustworthy, caring. I fell in love with him after only 2 months of dating. He was a year ahead of me in school. We dated through his senior year and were so happy it was kind of obscene. He went to college and things got really hard. My senior year kind of sucked, and he started to change. We grew apart because we never got to see each other. I went to the same university he was at, so my freshman year there was better. But he was different. We weren't happy anymore. I was still madly in love with him, but just before Christmas that year, he told me he didn't think he loved me anymore. I was absolutely devastated, crushed. I layed in bed for a full week and cried, unable to function at all. I was so positive that I was gonna marry this boy, that we were just having a rough spot, but we would work it out. We broke up several times between December and February, then broke up for good in March. We dated for 2.5 years. It's been over 2 years since he left me, and I'm still not completely over it.


So you can see why feeling this way about P scares me. What if he changes his mind, too? What if I can't hold his interest? What if he decided I'm not good enough? Not skinny enough? Not pretty enough? I know he would never hurt me on purpose, and he would do anything to prevent it. But I wonder if he realizes all the other ways he could hurt me? I wonder if he realizes the "power" that I've given him to "break" me? I love him, and it's terrifying.

This is getting crazy long...

confession

I had ice cream tonight. Probably only half a cup, but that's 200 calories I didn't need. Goddamn hormones.

Today's intake is 935. Ugh.

Ana Banana: I love you. No for real, you're my favorite person right now. You're absolutely right. Today was an epic fail and completely horrible in every way. I can blame the PMS, I can blame the attempted fasting, but in the end I chose to eat those awful things. And they will ruin me. I already have blood sugar issues, no need to make things harder for myself! To be fair, the juicebox was low sugar fruit and veggie juice, and the granola bar had lots of fiber. But that's not enough to make it ok. I do like fruits and some veggies, but I don't eat meat. Your dip diet sounds dangerous, because I would use peanut butter as a dip! Back to fasting tomorrow. Maybe I'll allow myself a protein shake if I can't handle it (I do have 2 exams tomorrow...) Stay strong, love. You're my hero.

simply in awe.

128.4 this morning. I guess my chocolate bar excursion wasn't as bad as I thought. I lost 1.2 pounds yesterday.

I don't understand. I should be getting my period any second now, which means I should be bloated to the point of explosion. But I'm not. And I've been drinking enough water. Maybe it's the lack of salt?

I'm giving up on the fast and just restricting. Today is a high calorie, metabolism boosting day, aiming for 800.

Intake:
juicebox: 70
granola bar: 90
donut: 200
eggs: 175
chips: 200
Total so far: 735

I can lose 3 pounds in the next week. I know I can. P won't know what hit him.

Comments:
Ariana: Welcome! Food defeated me today, but I like that word: defeat. Thanks for you support!
Charlie: you're the amazing one my dear! <3
Ana Banana: 38 may as well have been 3800 if you're fasting, even though 38 calories is fucking fantastic! I know what you mean. It is nice to know that you can start fresh every day
Charr: I'll never not beat myself up, but thanks for your support, it means a lot!

Depression.

I just ate a chocolate bar, skinnies. My blood sugar crashed (I don't know why?) and I needed the sugar surge. 220 calories. Water fast day 2; ruined. Ana Banana I'm letting you down and I'm sorry. Your strength continues to amaze me.

Total intake: 220 (NOT 0)

Progress

129.6 this morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't been under 130 since before Thanksgiving (and that was only for a few days!)

WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

I've eaten nothing today. I'm so hungry :)

I think I aced my chemistry final.

P will be home in 8 days.

I'm flying.

you win some, you lose some

Today's intake:
3 eggs, scrambled: 270
8 fruit slices: 130
1 granola bar: 220
Total: 620
SHAMEFUL! NOT EVEN CLOSE TO FASTING!

The only solace I have is that I was hungry for a large part of the day, and when I'm hungry, I'm burning my stomach pudge (sorry for that visual!)

For future reference: Miralax is no good for clearing your system quickly. I took a dose Friday night and another dose Saturday night and haven't had any effects whatsoever.

I think I'm going through P withdrawal :( He's been gone for months, but the fact that I get to see him next week somehow makes me miss him even more. Silly boys.

Lovers!
Charr: Thanks for the vote of confidence! <3
Scarlet: I'd like to think that everything balances out, but I'm deathly afraid that my metabolism doesn't work that way. We'll see when I weigh in tomorrow I suppose!
Ana Banana: Yes let's do it together! I'm trying to water-fast but I'll give into protein shakes if I feel like death (Obviously today was a fail, but that's the plan). Thanks for the encouragement earlier, I definitely needed it!
Charlie: Thank you for the verbal kick in the rear! Your confidence in me was just what I needed! <3

And look at all those followers! Welcome loves, I hope you find what you're looking for here <3

bad bad bad bad bad

i just ate a granola bar and 8 fruit slices (you know those candy things that don't even taste good, but it's like dumping the sugar bowl into your mouth so you eat them?)

THIS IS NOT FASTING, RED! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!!!

will somebody else please yell at me, too? i need it

insane in the membrane

I just had an entire post written and deleted it all because it wasn't entirely true. I was bluffing and fudging to make myself sound better. If I can't be myself with you guys, who the hell am I?

Fasted all day Thursday and continued until 6pm on Friday. I had to eat dinner because I ate with my parents, but I only had 1/2 cup of rice and some steamed broccoli and one bite of chicken (my mom tried a new recipe so I could claim to not like it without feeling too guilty). I ate a few tortilla chips with salsa Friday night, so about 400 calories for the day.

Today was harder. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast even though I probably could have skipped breakfast without attracting too much attention. I honestly don't know why I ate it. Then we went to the wedding (my mom's best friend got remarried today- she's like my second mother) and I was proud of myself. I ate 3 grapes, a few bites of rigatoni, and 1/4 of a turkey sandwich. No cake. No delicious appetizers. Only control.

Then I got home, took a nap, and woke up ravenous. No, I wasn't even that hungry, just felt like I should eat. So I made some Kraft mac and cheese, AND ATE HALF THE BOX!!! AND FOLLOWED IT WITH TWO CHOCOLATE THINGS FROM THE WEDDING! I hate myself sometimes.... I was doing so well! Not eating when I could, restricting when I had to. WTF?! My intake for today is around 1200. Unacceptable. Yesterday's intake was less than half that. I took some laxi's today, so maybe I can ease some of the damage. P IS COMING HOME IN 10 DAYS AND I HAVE 6 POUNDS TO LOSE! I can't afford slips in control like this. I do ok when I fast, but when I start eating it's much harder to stop.

I'm going back to school in the morning, so I don't have to worry about eating to appease anyone. Being at home is so much harder, I don't know what I'm gonna do all summer. I realized today that I don't even like food that much anymore. I think that pizza-binge flipped a switch or something, and now all food makes me a little nauseous.

Weighed in at 130.6 this morning, but it was on my mom's scale so it's probably different. Obviously missed my 128-by-the-wedding goal; hopefully I can still get to 125 by the 12th...


Comments!
Ana Banana: I AM a hopeless romantic, and I know it's going to come back to bite me in the ass time and time again. But it also makes the happy times happier, so I think it's worth it. I've had my heart brutally ripped out once, so I know pain. But I know love, too. Can you have one without the other, really?
Charr: I've known P since sophomore year in high school, so 6ish years. We didn't get close until 2 years ago, then we got REALLY close last summer (if you know what I mean!) He's a truly decent person, and I find those increasingly hard to come by

p.s. Does anyone know how to link your Flickr account to the slideshow gadget? Mine won't work for some reason...