busy bee

Sorry I haven't been posting, but I had finals and moving out of my dorm and back home. I just read all 20something blog entries that I missed, don't worry!

I haven't been counting calories and it made me so anxious... I don't think I went over 1200 any day (which is wayyyy too much but I needed the energy and my uterus is currently controlling my appetite =/ I shouldn't gain on that, at any rate...)

Last time I weighed in I was 127.8, but then I got my period... I refuse to step on the scale when I'm bleeding because I know it's not accurate and it will just depress me to the point of binging, which is the opposite of helpful.

P comes home Monday night. Water fast Sunday and Monday, hopefully I can drop 2-3 more pounds by the time he sees me. 125?!?! Is it possible!?

I'm living at home again, which makes it difficult to not eat. I can probably skip breakfast and lunch without too much notice, but dinner is always necessary. Even if I only eat dinner every day, there's just no way I can get under 500 calories per day.

When P comes home, we have decided to start working out together (Eeeeek!) But he is all about fitness, and I'm down for anything that burns calories. I'm so nervous about him seeing how out of shape I am, though. I told him I want to start running, but I think we're mostly gonna be doing strength training (toning for me, building for him). His legs are 10 feet long and mine... are not. I doubt I could run with him anyway. We'll see. I hope he doesn't run in the other direction when he sees my legs jiggle when I run... :'(


I've been on this wedding kick lately... Watching "Say Yes to the Dress" a lot, picking out my ring and my dress, planning my wedding... No idea what that's about.

Also having a lot of pregnancy dreams... My subconscious apparently wants to get married and have a baby! I'm 21 years old and my biological clock is already ticking...

I miss P so much my chest literally aches. And it scares me. There's an applicable Twilight quote that pretty much describes my life right now: "I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew- knew it in the pit of my stomach, the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest- was how love gave someone the power to break you"

I guess this is the point where I tell you guys about D.

D was my high school sweetheart. We met freshman year (and hated each other- kind of funny) and ended up in the same group of friends sophomore year. We hung out a lot, talked a lot, and he asked me out one day. I had a huge crush on him so of course I said yes. It was like we were made for each other. This boy was everything I ever wanted: romantic, funny, honest, trustworthy, caring. I fell in love with him after only 2 months of dating. He was a year ahead of me in school. We dated through his senior year and were so happy it was kind of obscene. He went to college and things got really hard. My senior year kind of sucked, and he started to change. We grew apart because we never got to see each other. I went to the same university he was at, so my freshman year there was better. But he was different. We weren't happy anymore. I was still madly in love with him, but just before Christmas that year, he told me he didn't think he loved me anymore. I was absolutely devastated, crushed. I layed in bed for a full week and cried, unable to function at all. I was so positive that I was gonna marry this boy, that we were just having a rough spot, but we would work it out. We broke up several times between December and February, then broke up for good in March. We dated for 2.5 years. It's been over 2 years since he left me, and I'm still not completely over it.


So you can see why feeling this way about P scares me. What if he changes his mind, too? What if I can't hold his interest? What if he decided I'm not good enough? Not skinny enough? Not pretty enough? I know he would never hurt me on purpose, and he would do anything to prevent it. But I wonder if he realizes all the other ways he could hurt me? I wonder if he realizes the "power" that I've given him to "break" me? I love him, and it's terrifying.

This is getting crazy long...