several years ago i was told that i "might be bipolar" but nothing was ever done about it. they gave me a happy pill and sent me on my way. which was fine with me. who wants to be bipolar?
in the last few months i've come to notice several alarming patterns... i get all happy and energetic and motivated for about a month (and eat like a healthy sane person), then out of the blue i crash into a deep depression, binge for a day or 2, then start starving again.
this weekend was my cycle-start binge, and today is my first day of starving. again. wanna know what i weighed 3 weeks ago? 128. wanna know what i weighed this morning? 136.2. HORRENDOUS AND DISGUSTING AND EVIL. i want to flatten myself under a rock and stay there until i can safely emerge weighing 115 pounds.
my emotional disorders (whatever they are) have evolved.
i no longer get suicidal when i crash. i don't want to die; i'm not afraid to die, but i still have things to do.
my crashes are getting shorter but more severe.
my highs are getting longer but less manic.
i don't know what all of this means as far as getting skinny. when i'm happy, i'm comfortable with myself and don't feel the need to lose weight (i mean of course i still want to, but i can't make myself stick to a diet). when i crash, it's all i can think about. FAT FAT FAT. NOBODY WANTS YOU. HOW COULD ANYONE EVER BE ATTRACTED TO YOUR CELLLULITE?!
so far today i've had a right-size weight loss shake (200 cals) and a cup of coffee (with splenda). and 4 diet pills. those shakes are pretty cool: blend up this chocolate powder with a glass of skim milk and it makes you feel full for HOURS. and it's got caffiene and vitamins and shit in it. i think i'll have another one for dinner.
i've been fidgeting like whoa today. read somewhere that just twitching your leg can burn 300 calories in a day. not sure if it's true, but it makes sense that moving will burn more calories than sitting still. also trying to stand as much as possible and sit up straight.
more later
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