Sorry for the lack of posts/comments... absolutely freaked out on Wednesday and had to go home. Saw my doc on Thursday and I'm apparently bipolar. WHOA THIS IS NOT OK!!!! And the best part is that he gave me a prescription for Xanax and sent me on my way! What a fucking asshole! I'm seeing a counselor on campus on Monday so hopefully she can tell me what I can do to get this mess under control. I was told a long time ago that I was borderline bipolar but it was too early for them to actually make a diagnosis. Well now I have that diagnosis and I've been battling the last few days with the fact that I'm crazy. Not completely batshit crazy, just an emotional disaster. I guess I already knew that but it still sucks to know that it's never gonna get better or go away. It wasn't just teenage weirdness, I actually have a problem.
Rant (feel free the skip this part):
WHY CAN'T I BE A FUCKING NORMAL PERSON LIKE EVERYONE ELSE? WHY DOES MY METABOLISM HAVE TO RUN SO SLOWLY IT'S ACTUALLY GOING BACKWARDS? WHY DOESN'T MY BRAIN FUNCTION CORRECTLY? WHY AM I SO OBSESSIVE ABOUT THIS BOY? WHY CAN'T I GET MY FUCKING LAZY ASS TO WORK OUT EVERY DAY? WHY DO I HAVE ARTHRITIS IN MY KNEES AT THE AGE OF 21? WHY DO I ONLY HAVE $200 TO MY NAME? WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP AND HOW DID THIS HAPPEN????
I'm really scared that I won't be able to graduate in May... My professors are all pissed that I've been missing so much class and I have so much work to make up... And I'm gonna keep right on missing classes until I can get my meds figured out because when I'm depressed it's a gargantuan effort to get out of bed and when I'm manic I just don't care about the consequences.
AND I FUCKING BAKED A CAKE TODAY! Why would I do that to myself? Now there's an entire cake in the house (white with cream cheese frosting... fml) and I simply cannot NOT eat it. Tomorrow I go back to my apartment and I can restrict to my heart's content. Wether I actually do or not remains to be determined.
Comments would be lovely <3
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