Andrew came over to do homework with me and stayed to watch a movie that was on TV. Despite many sideways glances and suggestive leaning, he never touched me. He's coming over again tomorrow night for more homework but my roommate will be here then... Damnit Andrew! Yes I want you to kiss me! Yes it means I want to cuddle when I lean towards you! Yes I wanted you to stay tonight! (although I'm not sure you and your 6-and-a-half-foot nonsense would fit in my twin bed with me...) Can we play please?
I'm so lonely I could cry... And I do, frequently.
Binge day. Cereal, 3 pieces of cake, mini pizza, entire package of creamy noodle business, an apple, and 2 glasses of wine. What a fat piece of trash. 125 by Thanksgiving is looking more and more impossible. But I'm back in my own space and I just have to remind myself that even when it feels like I HAVE TO eat something, I am the one with the control over what goes in my mouth. ME. Visualize Phil's hands on my stomach or just having Phil's approval. I'm doing this as much for him as I am for me. We both need to know I can do it. I need him to be proud of me.
Mood has been surprisingly stable today. Didn't take any Xanax and didn't need any caffeine. Unfortunately "stable" doesn't mean "happy". I'm going to see a counselor tomorrow and just see what she thinks I should do.
My life is teetering on the brink of being a complete mess.
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