everybody everybody wants to love... everybody everybody wants to be loved...

Ok I'm sick of Skins. Cassie is an annoying twerp.

But I didn't eat anything all day long. Except 1 celery stalk at dinner, but it takes more energy to digest celery than it provides, so it doesn't even count really.

It scares me how fast I'm falling for P. I don't want end up in the same pattern that happened before with D, where I fell hard and fast for him and he changed his mind. We're taking our time and talking it out from every angle before we make any decisions. But at the end of the day, I love him and he doesn't know how he feels...

Comments!
Ana Banana: yes that's exactly it, I want to be my best for him. And congrats on the french fry resistance!
Scarlet: I'm back with a vengeance! haha We can do it!
JENNY: thank you so much love! I can't believe that I inspire someone!
Charr: thank you for lookin out for me! Goodness knows I should do it more :z But I would trust P with my life and I know he's not a jerk. He just likes pretty girls... don't we all?

I love you all- the support means a ton

<3

Hazy

This must be what it's like when your body starts eating itself. I'm running on nothing but caffeine. I'm cold and tired but it's like a weird high that I'm riding... I love being hungry. I love that my body is fueling itself. I love that I'm burning fat by just sitting here.

I've had 20 calories today, and it's all been Crystal Light. I'll have to eat dinner, but I'm hoping they'll have good soup today. I can fake stress-induced nausea since it's so close to finals.

Discovered the wonder that is Skins last night. I can relate to so many of the season 1 cast it's ridiculous. I'm PMSing so I was reduced to tears several times by watching a bunch of teenagers trot around Bristol living bits and pieces of my life. I watched the entire season. (slightly shameful, but I'm not ashamed. It gave me the strength for today's fast)

I was 132 this morning. And here's why: I ate an entire pizza yesterday.

Did you get that? I ate a whole fucking pizza by myself IN ONE SITTING. And then I couldn't even purge it. And then I cried.

Today's fast was supposed to be punishment (I'm trying not to eat (and abuse my diet pills)until the wedding on Saturday) but I feel so guilty because I'm loving this feeling.

But I am loving this feeling. I think I'm going to boycott food altogether.

Like Cassie.

"Oh, and also, I'm wretchedly in love with you"

Lots of things on my mind today. Not a lot of things, I suppose, but a few things that are taking up most of my concentration.

1. Liquid fast ended well yesterday. Had veggie soup for dinner, and I'm counting that as a liquid because veggies don't count for anything. So approx 550 calories for the day. Success.

2. Weighed in this morning at 130.8! 128 by Saturday is looking more and more plausible.

3. Liquid fast day 2 never even started. I had 2 eggs for breakfast and a protein bar for lunch. I'm not too upset about it though, since today's total so far is still only 330. It's probably better for my metabolism anyway, keep it from thinking it's starving. I'm going to jazzercise tonight, so I'll probably have a normal amount of calories for dinner so I don't pass out

4. I can't get P out of my head. Literally impossible. Every dream I had last night was about him, and I've been thinking about him all day. I'm absolutely head over heels for this boy, and a week ago I didn't even realize that I was in love with him...

5. I had another loooong talk with P last night about us. He said if I could stop being such a debbie downer, and get back to how fit I was in high school, that would be his "ideal". He thinks I could be ideal. That of course means that I'm not currently ideal, but of course I already knew that. And the things he wants are the things I'm already working towards.

6. My new goal is 122 by May 12th (When P gets home). If he can see how much weight I've lost, he'll know I can change. So: skinny and optimistic by May 12th! I lost 3 pounds last week with very minimal self control, so I'm confident.

7. Look at the abundance of followers!!!!
-Transparent Beauty: Welcome welcome my dear!
-Scarlet: sorry I fell off the liquid fast train! I'll get back on tomorrow, promise! Are you holding up well?
-Charr: my trick to liquid fasting is lots of protein (skim milk, soymilk and the occasional protein shake) otherwise I just get ravenous and eat everything in sight!

insert creative title here

Followers I've been neglecting you! I apologize profusely.

Life has been so riddled with drama these past few days that I couldn't even handle it. I stayed up all night to get my paper done, but successfully avoided eating by keeping a protein shake close at hand. My liquid fast started at midnight since I haven't slept, and I've had 470 calories since then (protein shake an a veggie/fruit juicebox). I'm hungry again and I love it.

132.4 this morning. I lost 2.6 pounds last week, even with my fettuccine alfredo binge on Wednesday AND my shameful drunken eat-everything-in-sight binge on Saturday, so maybe the laxis worked better than I thought. I absolutely need to get to 125 by May 12th, and hopefully 128 by May 1st. Yes I know that's 4.4 pounds by Saturday. But I'm going to a close friend's wedding and pictures will be taken... NO ROOM FOR BINGING! This week should be considerably less stressful, so hopefully I can stick to the plan, and workout a few extra times.

Anyone liquid fasting this week with me?

Comments as promised!
-Charr: Thank you for the birthday wishes and the continued support! It matters so much that someone actually listens to me sometimes :)
-Charlie: I KNOW there are 3 billion men in the world, but I want this one! haha Isn't that always the case?
-JENNY: I can't even fathom how someone could be jealous of me, it's very flattering, so thank you :)
-thin1: Welcome and thanks for following me!!

Venting

I'm trying to write a paper that's due tomorrow and I can't even think straight because I have so much going on in my head. So this is my attempt to get it all out and organized in some form or another so I can stop thinking about it for a while.

1. I had a long chat with P today about the meaning of my drunk text. I could have, and maybe should have, played it off like "oh I tell everyone I love them when I'm drunk, don't worry about it, it didn't mean anything". But I didn't. I told him that I meant it and I want a relationship with him and that I crave commitment from him. I even told him that I have this recurring dream about us getting married and having kids and living happily ever after. I think I subconsciously wanted to scare him away, because I was pretty sure he was going to reject me and I didn't want it to be because he doesn't like me. So apparently I would rather he think I was crazy than have him tell me he just doesn't like me that way. Awesome. Maybe I am crazy.

2. I proceeded to tell D about the conversation I had with P. Have I mentioned D before? He is my ex boyfriend: we dated for 2.5 years, then he left me because he didn't love me anymore. I was absolutely devastated because I was 100% sure we were getting married. It's been 2 years since we broke up and we're still really close. I'll post the full story some other time. So anyway, I told D about P, then told P what D said. P flipped a shit. D doesn't approve of me and P and P was NOT happy about it. Oops. Just when I'm trying to convince him that dating me is a good idea, I piss him off. Good plan, idiot.

3. I really do love P and I can't stop thinking about it. That picture of us at some unknown future date walking in the park swinging 2 kids in between us is forever burned into my brain and it won't go away. Fairy tales don't come true, red, stop obsessing.

4. I've been so bad today. I wrote breakfast off because I needed food in my stomach to ease the hangover. But I did NOT need 2 pancakes with syrup, hash browns, orange juice and a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The cereal alone would have sufficed. Then I had some celery with peanut butter around 3, and for dinner I ate 2 pieces of pizza and a ham and cheese sandwich with pickles. Oh and a banana. THEN I had a floor meeting tonight and donuts were provided... obvs that happened. Worse things have happened than one glazed donut, but on top of the day I've had it was kind of miserable.

5. I'm liquid fasting tomorrow (and for as much of the week as possible), who wants to join me?!

6. I REALLY don't want to write this paper and it's dragging me down into a pit of depression. Honestly it's only one paper (even if it is 15 pages) and I shouldn't be reacting like this. Just write it and get it over with, no need to make it more miserable than it already is.

7. Someone please tell me I'm not as crazy as I feel right now...

all aboard the tragedy train

i just turned 21 and my roommate decided it was necessary to go bar hopping last night. i was so tired i didn't even want to go, but we pre-gamed hard so i lost all argumentative skills :/

as soon as i get a drop of alcohol in me, i start binging. last night i ate:
1 personal cheese pizza
1 medium cake batter ice cream from coldstone
1 pineapple fruit cup
1 rice bowl thing
23 runts
6 triscuts
1 little bag of bbq potato chips
2 hot dogs (with bun and grilled mozzarella)
1 bag of kettle korn


holy fucking shit. i lost 4 pounds this week and i ate it all back last night. i'm terrified to go get on the scale. granted, having food in my stomach is probably what saved me from the massive hangover i was sure was coming but didn't. but i almost wish i was nauseous so i could throw up all that SHIT.

on a different note, i drunk texted P last night and told him i loved him. fml.

FML

oh and by the way, i adore you.

had half a protein bar this morning, the other half for lunch. 180 total calories. yessssss :)
also weighed in this morning... 131.4!!!! i'm down 3.6 pounds in 5 days. that alone is giving me so much strength to continue. i can do it!

and it's friday.

and i have 2 followers! i love you guys!

i'm in a good mood, and it feels so bizzare