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Corgi Swim Fail

Nothing worth saying today that hasn't already been said.

Had a shake for breakfast a yogurt for lunch and a PB&J for dinner. 600 cals. I'm ok with this.

I'm going to pounce on Andrew if he doesn't kiss me soon.

I have work that I should be doing but doesn't NEED to be done.

I want to go to sleep but I'm all hyped up.

I miss Phil like I miss air. Life is impossible without him.

Search this title on youtube and laugh until you cry.

Bitch and Moan

Andrew came over to do homework with me and stayed to watch a movie that was on TV. Despite many sideways glances and suggestive leaning, he never touched me. He's coming over again tomorrow night for more homework but my roommate will be here then... Damnit Andrew! Yes I want you to kiss me! Yes it means I want to cuddle when I lean towards you! Yes I wanted you to stay tonight! (although I'm not sure you and your 6-and-a-half-foot nonsense would fit in my twin bed with me...) Can we play please?

I'm so lonely I could cry... And I do, frequently.

Binge day. Cereal, 3 pieces of cake, mini pizza, entire package of creamy noodle business, an apple, and 2 glasses of wine. What a fat piece of trash. 125 by Thanksgiving is looking more and more impossible. But I'm back in my own space and I just have to remind myself that even when it feels like I HAVE TO eat something, I am the one with the control over what goes in my mouth. ME. Visualize Phil's hands on my stomach or just having Phil's approval. I'm doing this as much for him as I am for me. We both need to know I can do it. I need him to be proud of me.

Mood has been surprisingly stable today. Didn't take any Xanax and didn't need any caffeine. Unfortunately "stable" doesn't mean "happy". I'm going to see a counselor tomorrow and just see what she thinks I should do.

My life is teetering on the brink of being a complete mess.

Think the March Hare and the Mad Hatter

Sorry for the lack of posts/comments... absolutely freaked out on Wednesday and had to go home. Saw my doc on Thursday and I'm apparently bipolar. WHOA THIS IS NOT OK!!!! And the best part is that he gave me a prescription for Xanax and sent me on my way! What a fucking asshole! I'm seeing a counselor on campus on Monday so hopefully she can tell me what I can do to get this mess under control.


I was told a long time ago that I was borderline bipolar but it was too early for them to actually make a diagnosis. Well now I have that diagnosis and I've been battling the last few days with the fact that I'm crazy. Not completely batshit crazy, just an emotional disaster. I guess I already knew that but it still sucks to know that it's never gonna get better or go away. It wasn't just teenage weirdness, I actually have a problem.

Rant (feel free the skip this part):

WHY CAN'T I BE A FUCKING NORMAL PERSON LIKE EVERYONE ELSE? WHY DOES MY METABOLISM HAVE TO RUN SO SLOWLY IT'S ACTUALLY GOING BACKWARDS? WHY DOESN'T MY BRAIN FUNCTION CORRECTLY? WHY AM I SO OBSESSIVE ABOUT THIS BOY? WHY CAN'T I GET MY FUCKING LAZY ASS TO WORK OUT EVERY DAY? WHY DO I HAVE ARTHRITIS IN MY KNEES AT THE AGE OF 21? WHY DO I ONLY HAVE $200 TO MY NAME? WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP AND HOW DID THIS HAPPEN????

I'm really scared that I won't be able to graduate in May... My professors are all pissed that I've been missing so much class and I have so much work to make up... And I'm gonna keep right on missing classes until I can get my meds figured out because when I'm depressed it's a gargantuan effort to get out of bed and when I'm manic I just don't care about the consequences.

AND I FUCKING BAKED A CAKE TODAY! Why would I do that to myself? Now there's an entire cake in the house (white with cream cheese frosting... fml) and I simply cannot NOT eat it. Tomorrow I go back to my apartment and I can restrict to my heart's content. Wether I actually do or not remains to be determined.

Comments would be lovely <3

down 2.6 pounds in 2 days? yes please!

List-cap

1. daily calories: 715. YES!
2. how do you get a shin splint in one leg and not the other? (= no run today)
3. flirted with andrew for a solid 3 hours in lab
4. i'm super lonely.

Something in my apartment smells like it's been dead for a few months...

Dearest Phillip,
Why can't you see that I'm the one? Why is it so hard for you to figure out what love is? I can tell by the way you look at me that you feel something, but you're either in denial or simply incapable of expressing emotion. Three words; not that difficult. Figure it out please, ASAP.


Andrew,
Do you have a girlfriend? I didn't think so. What the fuck are you waiting for? Kiss me damnit. Come home and take a nap with me. My bed is entirely too big to sleep in alone. I'm madly in love with someone else, but we're "seeing other people" at the moment. And you're fucking adorable. The end.


what a mess. at least i ate well today :)