Clean Slate. Complete Honesty. Pain.

I'm starting this blog over. It has become all about Ed when it should be all about my life.

 First things first:

I have this idea in my head that if I can look like this by the time I see Phil again, he will magically fall in love with me (again?). I'm absolutely head over heels for this boy. I mean I think he might be the one. He told me he loved me over the summer, but he was drunk and he's never said it before or since. He's 1000 miles away at the moment, and will remain so until Thanksgiving. I'm literally going crazy sitting around and waiting for him. Because here's the kicker: he hasn't had any other serious girlfriends, and he's the kind of guy that needs to make ABSOLUTELY sure he's making the right decisions. He wants to see other people before committing to anything. Which is great. I actually approve (No really, I'm not being sarcastic). I think he needs to find out what he wants, and doesn't want. Of course, I also want him to decide those other girls aren't good enough and come back to me. We're not dating at the moment (so he's free to figure things out) but that doesn't mean my feelings have changed. If he proposed to me today, I'd say yes in a heartbeat. He is everything I want and need. I love you, Phil.

Now that that's out of the way...

I'm currently eating rosemary chicken and potatoes. Fuck me. I'm not hungry and it doesn't taste that good. And I sure as hell don't need it. So why can't I stop eating it??? I think I might actually need help. My relationship with food is so fucked up. I want to hate food, I want to hate eating. But I don't. And I don't enjoy it either. I have no control over what goes in my stomach. It's a really terrible feeling.

Almost as bad as not being good enough for the man you love.

are we sensing a pattern?

several years ago i was told that i "might be bipolar" but nothing was ever done about it. they gave me a happy pill and sent me on my way. which was fine with me. who wants to be bipolar?

in the last few months i've come to notice several alarming patterns... i get all happy and energetic and motivated for about a month (and eat like a healthy sane person), then out of the blue i crash into a deep depression, binge for a day or 2, then start starving again.

this weekend was my cycle-start binge, and today is my first day of starving. again. wanna know what i weighed 3 weeks ago? 128. wanna know what i weighed this morning? 136.2. HORRENDOUS AND DISGUSTING AND EVIL. i want to flatten myself under a rock and stay there until i can safely emerge weighing 115 pounds.

my emotional disorders (whatever they are) have evolved.
i no longer get suicidal when i crash. i don't want to die; i'm not afraid to die, but i still have things to do.
my crashes are getting shorter but more severe.
my highs are getting longer but less manic.

i don't know what all of this means as far as getting skinny. when i'm happy, i'm comfortable with myself and don't feel the need to lose weight (i mean of course i still want to, but i can't make myself stick to a diet). when i crash, it's all i can think about. FAT FAT FAT. NOBODY WANTS YOU. HOW COULD ANYONE EVER BE ATTRACTED TO YOUR CELLLULITE?!

so far today i've had a right-size weight loss shake (200 cals) and a cup of coffee (with splenda). and 4 diet pills. those shakes are pretty cool: blend up this chocolate powder with a glass of skim milk and it makes you feel full for HOURS. and it's got caffiene and vitamins and shit in it. i think i'll have another one for dinner.

i've been fidgeting like whoa today. read somewhere that just twitching your leg can burn 300 calories in a day. not sure if it's true, but it makes sense that moving will burn more calories than sitting still. also trying to stand as much as possible and sit up straight.

more later

back on the motivation train

P and I broke up.

I gained 3 pounds.

Classes are over and I'm bored to shit.

I got on the scale this morning... 130.4 I got down to 126 just 2 weeks ago... This is not okay. None of this is okay.

Are you guys noticing a pattern? Because I am. I get really super motivated, I stick with it for a week or two, maybe even three, then I get cocky and think I have a handle on things, so I ease up a bit... which turns into easing up A LOT.

I have absolutely nothing to do until the 20th of August, and I am going to get to 120.

I will not eat more than 200 calories in one sitting.
I will not eat more than 800 calories per day. (abc?)
I will not find excuses to make it easier.
This is going to be brutal and excruciating and I need to grin and bear it. No excuses.


NO EXCUSES!!!

126.6

Nope. I was wrong. P is concerned. He doesn't want to see me "unhealthy" or end up in the hospital.

I'm planning out my "meals" because he's so worried I will stop eating. But the plus side is that if I make a plan he will help me stick to it. That will be put to the test today, because my plan is 450 calories. Will he be ok with that? We're going on a picnic for dinner where I will be eating a rice cake and 2 slices of turkey. If he tries to make me eat more than that I swear I will punch him in the face.

And yes, you read that title correctly. I ate 1200 calories yesterday and lost a pound. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's water weight or something though because I feel FAT today. 

<3

20 pounds in 2 months?

520 cals yesterday = 127.6 today

why can't i do that ever day?!?!?

already had 800 cals today. fail.

trudging on with ABC: no more food today and 300 cals tomorrow.

day1: 500 calories (520... close enough)
day2: 500 calories
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast

yea we'll see.

Oh p.s. I told P everything about my eating habits last night. He took is surprisingly well. He doesn't think I have an ED (thank god for that) and he doesn't think it's a huge problem (except when I fast for long periods of time). He wants to see me healthy, but I don't think he's too concerned. It's perfect!


<3

Ana Boot Camp

Ladies and lovers, Red has returned!

I apologize profusely for leaving you, I didn't do it consciously. P makes me want to be healthy. But I've seen the error of my ways; fat people are inherently unhealthy. Skinny first, then healthy. I caught up on all 200-some posts that I missed and will resume commenting today!


So anyway... down to business.

I've been eating "normally" which means I've been pigging out like the whale I am (1000-1500 cals every day) and to top it all off, I HAVEN'T BEEN TRACKING ANY OF IT!!!! This is big time bad news because I had a mild anxiety attack about it last night. But the new me will stress, then get real and pep talk myself into changing the stressor. No more wallowing in self pity. If I feel fat then 1) it's entirely my fault and 2) I have the power to change it. I blame this new thought process on P. :D

128.8 this morning.
Balls.

Created a new SparkPeople account in the spirit of starting over. (If you guys don't have a sparkpeople account, I highly recommend signing up- it's a free super tracking program!)

Starting ABC today. Activia light and a slice of turkey so far today. 100 cals.

Also joined AnaB's twitter ring. Hopefully it will help me avoid those bingey pitfalls.




Ana Banana gave me the Beautiful Blogger award nearly a month ago and I've yet to respond! What atrocious manners!

So here it is... 7 things you don't know about me:
1. I will lie to make myself more interesting (but not to you guys!)
2. My mom had a heart transplant last January. I'll post that story another time- it's a long one
3. I fake orgasms. Always.
4. I'm an only child.
5. I used to be really smart. Then I lost all will power and stopped trying. I bet I could still get a 4.0 if I actually applied myself. (I did manage a 3.7 last semester though! yay!)
6. I've tried to kill myself 4 times.
7. I actually WANT to get pregnant and drop out of college and start a family. As long as P sticks around :p

Oh man.

*drumroll please* And I nominate...
Ana Banana
Scarlet
Charlie
Charr
PrettyWreck

I know some of you have gotten it before (and I'm not sure I'm allowed to give it to you again but I don't care because you ALL deserve it!) I love you all.

Stay strong skinnies <3

SORRY!!!!

i've been so ridiculously busy i can't even think straight!

stuck at 128.

loving P more and more every day.

i'll come back with a proper update in the next few days, promise!

i still love you all