Venting

I'm trying to write a paper that's due tomorrow and I can't even think straight because I have so much going on in my head. So this is my attempt to get it all out and organized in some form or another so I can stop thinking about it for a while.

1. I had a long chat with P today about the meaning of my drunk text. I could have, and maybe should have, played it off like "oh I tell everyone I love them when I'm drunk, don't worry about it, it didn't mean anything". But I didn't. I told him that I meant it and I want a relationship with him and that I crave commitment from him. I even told him that I have this recurring dream about us getting married and having kids and living happily ever after. I think I subconsciously wanted to scare him away, because I was pretty sure he was going to reject me and I didn't want it to be because he doesn't like me. So apparently I would rather he think I was crazy than have him tell me he just doesn't like me that way. Awesome. Maybe I am crazy.

2. I proceeded to tell D about the conversation I had with P. Have I mentioned D before? He is my ex boyfriend: we dated for 2.5 years, then he left me because he didn't love me anymore. I was absolutely devastated because I was 100% sure we were getting married. It's been 2 years since we broke up and we're still really close. I'll post the full story some other time. So anyway, I told D about P, then told P what D said. P flipped a shit. D doesn't approve of me and P and P was NOT happy about it. Oops. Just when I'm trying to convince him that dating me is a good idea, I piss him off. Good plan, idiot.

3. I really do love P and I can't stop thinking about it. That picture of us at some unknown future date walking in the park swinging 2 kids in between us is forever burned into my brain and it won't go away. Fairy tales don't come true, red, stop obsessing.

4. I've been so bad today. I wrote breakfast off because I needed food in my stomach to ease the hangover. But I did NOT need 2 pancakes with syrup, hash browns, orange juice and a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The cereal alone would have sufficed. Then I had some celery with peanut butter around 3, and for dinner I ate 2 pieces of pizza and a ham and cheese sandwich with pickles. Oh and a banana. THEN I had a floor meeting tonight and donuts were provided... obvs that happened. Worse things have happened than one glazed donut, but on top of the day I've had it was kind of miserable.

5. I'm liquid fasting tomorrow (and for as much of the week as possible), who wants to join me?!

6. I REALLY don't want to write this paper and it's dragging me down into a pit of depression. Honestly it's only one paper (even if it is 15 pages) and I shouldn't be reacting like this. Just write it and get it over with, no need to make it more miserable than it already is.

7. Someone please tell me I'm not as crazy as I feel right now...