today was a fucking joke. i made waffles this morning to appease my parents... i was planning to purge after breakfast so i ate as much as i could; 3 belgian waffles, butter, syrup, and a glass of orange juice. Probably 700 calories at BREAKFAST. i thoroughly enjoyed the first waffle, but the second and third were just painful. i felt nauseous because i was so full, so i wanted to purge almost immediately. i tried and tried... i just couldn't get it to come up! i was so fuckin angry i was crying... why the fuck can't i make myself throw up?
i desperately needed to get rid of those calories, so i took a bunch of laxatives to try to push it through my system... it was an uncomfortable day. i ate dinner with my parents (a small chicken breast grilled, half a cup of rice, a cup of broccoli and a fruit cup) then drove back to school. i got really hungry around 10 tonight so i put on some crest white strips so i couldn't eat. but i only made it half an hour before my blood sugar bottomed out and i ate a handful of pretzels and an apple. how do i make it through a blood sugar crash? hunger i can handle. i actually like it: if my stomach is growling, i'm burning fat. but when my blood sugar crashes i get absolutely ravenous and feel like i'm gonna ptfo... i haven't figured out how to handle that one yet...
today was absolutely miserable on so many levels... i think a liquid fast is in order for the next few days... as much water as i can possible consume, and maybe some light juice and soymilk if i'm feeling ok with the scale...
Don't beat yourself up over it <3 It's okay! Tomorrow's always a new day-- I need to fast too, I fucked up massively today as well > <
ReplyDeleteThat's one of my biggest problems too...I always over-estimate myself. I think I'll be able to purge it all and then I can't purge ANY :( You aren't alone, blah, know exactly what you mean.